Here we are then. It’s 2013, a new year. Woop.
Forgive me if I don’t fall over myself to launch immediately into some list of resolutions (I never make them, it avoids subsequent guilt) or gushing wishes about how we’re all going to have a fantastic year compared to the last one (news flash – the world is still a horrible place, filled with cock-juggling thundercunts a-plenty) or some retrograde assessment of just how hard 2012 stamped on our collective nutsacks. The honest truth of the matter is that I considered all of these as potential ‘first posts’ for 2013, but none of them felt….right. After all is said and done, those of you who have visited these hallowed pages before have not come to know me as happy-clapping, peace-and-love-to-our-fellow-man kind of guy. As that legendary Queen of the Blogosphere, Bex, once put it to me, “You’re funny pretty much all the time. But when you’re angry, you’re fucking piss-my-pants funny!!”. Well, I have very good news for you then my wonderful readers, because I am currently hoarding enough bile and bitterness to make a bottle of malt vinegar taste like maple syrup.
If you’ve been to this blog before (and bless those of you who have, and still came back) you will know that at the end of last year, first my posts began to dry up, then stopped completely for a few months. I occasionally posted apologies for my absence, and vague promises that I would be back to normal asap. Frankly, most of this was utter bullshit. The honest truth of it is that when I write, hate-filled or not, I need to be ‘in the zone’ in order to produce stuff that I read back and find acceptable to publish. For the latter part of 2012, Life decided that I had become far too comfortable and content, and decided that I needed one of those wonderful moments where despite everything seeming fantastic, you suddenly for no good reason have a run of bad luck that turns your entire life to shit. In amongst my flailing attempts to cope with crisis after crisis, I often sat at my keyboard, and even wrote a couple of blogs, but when I read them back I found random rambling and half-formed thoughts, and knew that publishing that dross just for the sake of it was being dishonest with myself, and more likely to lose readers than entertain them. There’s nothing wrong with using a blog as an outward expression of inner turmoil, providing someone who reads it can gain wisdom from it, be amused by it, or at least find it a good read. Sadly, I was producing none of this, and slowly lost heart that I would ever get anything worthwhile together again. In short, like Austin Powers, I had lost my Mojo (although the only Fat Bastard involved was me!!).
OK, enough with the boring ‘middle-bit-of-the-film’ explanations, yes?? Let’s get to the bit with all the fucking and big guns, shall we 😉
I have had an epiphany (look it up you simpleton). One of those Golden Moments, a real sun through the clouds moment. And ironic as it seems, it was this blog that caused it. Mere days ago, for the first time in at least a couple of months, I logged into WordPress and took a look at my dashboard. For non-Wordpress users, this is the part of my blog only I see, where all my messages, site stats etc. etc. are to be found. Can you guess what I found???
YOU. I found you. Despite not posting for over three months, people were still visiting the site. New comments were waiting for me in my inbox, from a host of older articles as well as the new ones. Old friends were missing me. New friends were laughing with me, agreeing with me, even challenging me. And yes, for long-time readers of the site, there was even a new threat from another disgruntled Steven Seagal fan! I’ve said on here before that barring any ‘hate-speech’, I publish every comment I get and reply to every single one too. With that in mind, I sat down to fulfill what, at the time, felt like an obligation to at least acknowledge these new commenters with replies. As I did so, something magical happened – the banter began to flow, the fingers became a blur of sarcastic keystrokes, and for the first time in a long time (you just sang that, didn’t you??) I was enjoying writing my blog!! Well ok, it was just a few comments, but I no longer felt like I was trying to write through a massive fog of despair. I’d given up on the writing for a while because I felt like being mad at my ‘real’ life was stopping me from concentrating sufficiently on what I was writing, when in fact it had been probably one of the main things that was helping me vent my frustrations.
Let me be honest with you here – since my life was magically transformed into a steaming pile of horse shit around September last year, very little has changed. I’m scraping by on the work front, struggling for money, and dealing with all the other crap that seems to go with hardship like this. But I say this not because I want sympathy. There are countless people in the world struggling with greater challenges than me, and succeeding in flipping the bird to Life regardless. Rather, let the lack of change in my ‘outside life’ stand as stark contrast to the one thing that HAS changed. I’ve become a big fan of certain bloggers over the last few years, and been saddened when, for one reason or another, they have stopped blogging. Their reasons for doing so have been legion, but the sense of loss when they quit was, in some cases, profound. So, on top of my already existing guilt about pretty much abandoning my own blog, the thought of letting down JUST ONE reader who had enjoyed reading my asinine ramblings was the final straw. In my mind, I have gone to my window, opened it wide, and yelled “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any more!!!!”
I said at the top of this post that I don’t do New Years Resolutions. True. I said I’d made some half-hearted promises last year to sort my shit out and get writing again. True. But as (insert appropriate fictional religious character here) is my witness, I hereby stand tall and proud and make a promise to each and every one of the four readers I have left, and that promise is as follows:
I’M BACK, MADDER THAN EVER, AND I’M COMING OUT OF MY CORNER SWINGING!!
Over the next few weeks, I plan to take on the might of the Westboro Baptist Church, look at what would happen if Hells Angels bikers ran the world, explain the need for involuntary euthanasia, and argue how the breakdown of modern civilisation can be traced back to the practice of anal bleaching. I’m also going to shortly be reviving one of the greatest successes of last year, the ever-popular Ask The Assassin advice column, so if you have any New Year problems you need solving start penning them out and sending them in asap!! I’ll put a reminder of the contact points below at the end.
I’d like to apologise for letting you all down. I’d LIKE to, but I can’t, because I’m back to my good ‘ole mad, bad, sarcastic, bile-filled outrageous self, and I couldn’t care less whether I have your approval or not. To quote the famous song:-
“These boots were made for walking,
And that’s just what they’ll do,
One of these days these boots are gonna’,
Kick you repeatedly in the face and genitals until you find my point of view was, in fact, correct all along, bitch!”
I missed you all.
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NB: due to the high amount of traffic regarding Steven Seagal, I have set up a new email account for Seagal-related rants. Please mail them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org