Winners, Sinners and Grinners.

So Charlie Sheen is capable of bi-winning eh?? Pfft. Round here, we do TRI-WINNING!! Yes, that’s right, the time has come to announce the results of the first ever Social Assassin competition, the Haiku Hoedown, and in an extension to the publicised two prizes that were up for grabs, I’ve added a third prize as well, because that’s the kind of guy I am, and because I bloody well can.

So let’s not keep you all in suspense……here are the winners in REVERSE ORDER!!

3rd Place: The Assassin Foundation ‘Mentioned in Dispatches’ Award for Comedic Genius goes to……  BECKY!!! Go Becky, you done gone won yerself the special extra prize, awarded for the fact that your Haiku made me laugh so hard I had to check my pants (non-bacon variety) for soiling. A box of mystery gifts and stuff cluttering up my house is yours, you lucky girl!!!

2nd Place: The Assassin Academy Award for Gratuitous Talent in the Haiku Arena goes to….. MISTY!!! Woop woop, your mad Haiku writing skills and vast wealth of entries have bagged you second prize! Sadly due to Health and Safety guidelines this will now no longer contain a bag of my toenail clippings, but other funky gifts will take their place in your package of presents!!

And finally, in 1st Place: The Social Assassin Lifetime Achievement Award for Ritualistic Rhyming and Haiku Heroism goes to……..
JEN!!!!!!!! Lights, Cameras, Gushing Acceptance Speech!! Jen beat the rest of the field to the Haiku that made me smile the most with this sterling effort:

Tall, Grande, Venti. . .
What the fuck happened to
Small, medium, and large.

  Jen, your very own decorative Haiku as well as a whole box of other unwanted cheap rubbish amazing hand-picked prizes will be on its way to you shortly!!

  Many thanks to all of you who took the time to submit entries – there were some great attempts in there and it was much harder that I thought choosing a winner!! Our lovely triumvirate of winners should email me at with addresses for me to send their swag to, and this is the same email address if any of you want to suggest competition ideas, set blog challenges or otherwise harrass me. But for the record, NO, there will be no more bacon pants pictures, nor are they available for private orders.

  Next time we’ll be returning to the second and final installment of my ‘Idiots Are In Season’ post and normal sarcastic service will resume, but until then thank you all for helping to mark the 1yr birthday of my blog (and my 21st …ahem) with a great competition and some wonderful comments. Soft squishy love to each and every one of you.

The Assassin.


6 comments on “Winners, Sinners and Grinners.

  1. Robbed!! I was robbed!! It’s only because she bribed you with bacon pants!! I call foul on this whole sham of a competition!!!

    Ok, fine. I concede. But only because Jen is rad and mah homeslice…..and her haiku was pretty stellar. (I mean, it’s no bacon britches haiku, but whatevs).

    Mad props to my co-winning chicas! Although I am quite sad that I won’t be getting a little piece of you, Kev, I guess I will humbly accept whatever prizes you throw my way. 🙂

    (My address was on the card I sent. Do you still have it, or do you need it again?).


    • But of course I still have it – it’s with my collection of lovely stuff my amazing blog friends have sent me. As for your accusations of bribery, how very dare you – are you suggesting I’m susceptible to foul play??? Ok, ok, so I am, but I promise you the judging process was a fair one!!! On an unrelated note, you might still win first place if Jen’s cheque bounces…….


  2. I am as giddy as an Asian teen in a Hello Kitty store. Thank you, Kev! Misty, Bex and I will continue to be your beck-and-call girls for your amusement. 🙂


    • It’s like having my own set of Charlie’s Angels …. but without the angelic bit. Any suggestions for an appropriate name, readers?? Kev’s Harlots??? Congratulations on your win Jen – bountiful prizes of joy shall wing their way to you somewhen this side of Christmas!!!!


  3. Well,holy shit. Considering I don’t even know what a Haiku is I’m pretty stoked right now. But thankyou Big Kev. Thank you from the depths of my soul for gifting me with the made up collection of house shit third prize.

    Please excuse me for my tardy gracious reply, But I am currently on a weekend vacay in a place called Collingwood with my I-have-a-small-elderly-Chinese-Tourette’s-lady-trapped-inside-me mother. She bought some tickets to do the Farewell Spit Eco Tour. Her husband was unable to accompany her due to work commitments, so dearest & eldest daughter, also currently having her head raped by a winter flu virus, was dragged along. Fuck you Hayley! (my sister who politely declined mums invitation before I had the chance to).

    We are staying in a chalet beside the ocean. It’s 7.17am & she’s wide awake. She decided to come down & get into my bed, the bed I was slowly yet comfortably dying in, & talk about recipes. And how excited she is to see the gannet colony on Farewell Spit.

    NOT AS EXCITED AS I AM. Because I love me some nature.

    Look up Farewell Spit Nature Tours on the internets Kev. That’s what I’m doing today. While I try not to die from a head cold. I can multitask like a boss.

    Thank you for making up a special prize for me xox


    • You’re more than welcome Bex!! Sorry to hear that just for a change you’re ridden with some kind of disease – hopefully it will piss off soon. I’muber-jealous of the whole Farewell Spit thing, that looks cool – like the kind of place I could take my camera and get lost for hours. Did you get to ride in one of those cool looking four-wheel-drive bus things? Tell your mum that Em and I sent our love and that if we ever get rund to visiting, I’m more than happy to discuss recipes with her for hours – although perhaps not at 7am, and most definately not in my bed……


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