Some People Are Lovely

This may well be my shortest post to date but when you’ve got to blog, you’ve got to blog. To break up the bitter poison of my Idiots Are In Season blogs, here’s a brief moment of unprovoked loveliness to ease your day today, and maybe restore a little faith in humanity. I’ve never met Jen, despite us exchanging Tweets and verbal ripostes on each other’s blog’s. Yet Jen just sent me a little present in the mail. Not one of her pictures of Nathan Fillion of course, or chocolate, or (regrettably) a pack of bacon. No, although bacon plays a part.


As of yesterday, I am the ridiculously proud owner of a pair of bacon pants – a set of boxer shorts adorned all over with sweet succulent bacon – and my wife Emily is strutting round the house in her new Portland State University shirt. Jen – Thank You!! What makes this worth sharing with you all is that there was no reason for this all. I didn’t win a competition, she didn’t lose a bet – she was just out shopping one day, saw the pants and thought they were perfect for me, and bought them and posted them to me. It’s little moments of selfless thought for others like this one that make me smile and remember that not everyone is a total douchecanoe.

So I’m going to give something back to you all – even though you may not want it. I have a competition running HERE until May 24th. If I get twenty new entries in the next 24 hours from posting this, I’ll update this post with a picture of me posing in my bacon pants. Challenge On Bitches – make Jen proud 😉

POST UPDATE: Oh dear God. Despite my reservations, you guys made the required number of posts, and so as a man of my word I appear to owe you pictures of me in my pants. And some of you (cough, cough, Misty cough) seem to be all too interested in this. So here is your only warning – the pictures that follow may contain excessive amounts of beer gut and man-breasts, or as I like to call them, Daddaries. Look away now before the following images are seared into your retinas forever……………………

Jen was kind enough not to tick a box……

We were meant to be together….

West Side Y’all …….

My Bacon Brings All The Girls To The Yard……

Will Strip For Cash – mostly small change……..

I never wanted to get into Portland State so badly as right now…..


Never let it be said that I don’t keep my promises – the price of the psychiatric counselling is your problem. Stay Safe Bacon Buddies!!

The Chubby Assassin.


29 comments on “Some People Are Lovely

  1. I am honored to be the cause of a spontaneous post — TRULY honored. 🙂 Despite what my family says along the lines of: “you don’t KNOW these people…they aren’t FRIENDS” you and Em and the rest of my blogging family are friends; and I love you all mad hard. Wear them bacon strips with pride, yo! xoxo


    • Show me where it says face to face contact is required to form friendship and I’ll show you a steaming pile of horse shit. Emily and I consider you and all our other blogging contacts to be friends – in fact you’re all better than most friends since we can turn you off with the flick of a switch!! Thank you for being so generous and brightening our day x


    • How is it that your family is STILL saying that? When will they get that we are the real deal, yo? Do I have to come out there and bitch slap them with my awesome presence? I just might!


    • Bacon is always a source of constant joy but I’m doubly glad you were there to see them bring joy to Jen, as she in turn has shared charred-pork-related joy with me!! Plus now I can get Em to wear the t-shirt and pretend I finally nailed an American cheerleader. Bi-winning.


    • She is indeed. There is a bacon-fest of epic proportions somewhere in the future for Em and I to look forward to – as a chef I look forward to Jen’s Foodie Friday posts, and I fear my lasting souvenir from a visit to Portland will be a myocardial infarction. Don’t try to save me………


  2. I am very disappointed
    To not see these pants
    Teasing isn’t nice, Kev

    Friends from afar
    Without having ever met
    Gifting bacon britches

    Once you’re ready to share
    I will expect pictures of modelling
    Em with shirt and you in shorts

    Packages from P-town
    Sent from my friend Jen
    Fills my heart with joy

    That’s 4!! 🙂


  3. GodDAMN Misty! Way to knock that beeyotch out of the ballpark! Your mad haiku writing skillz are sadly wasted in the legal community.


    • Bacon britches – *stands and applaudes*.
      That is indeed some epic Haiku action!! I feel I may have my bluff well and truly called on this one. Especially since Misty appears to be on a mission to make me eat my words, if not indeed my shorts. You shall have to keep watching to see if the target is reached – on an unrelated note, if anyone has any foolproof tips on how to shift a mid-thirties beergut and also tan overnight, please email me at the usual address.


  4. I’m doing it again….my craven need to fondle those toenails overwhelms all flimsy illusions of dignity, self respect or intellectual superiority I’ve ever clung to.

    The lust to possess
    those toenails
    feetish unbooted

    I demand extra points for my previous effort as it also had rhyming words!


    • It’s like some kind of dam has broken – there’s no going back now…..
      Extra points???

      Time to Rhyme is Thine,
      Assign the Line that’s Mine,
      I’m Fine with Wine.

      You’ll have to work harder than that Pearl 😉


  5. UPDATE: I regret to inform you all that despite my best efforts, I did indeed receive the requisite number of posts, and therefore bacon underpants pictures WILL follow – in the next couple of days….. Check the post above to see them when revealed!!


  6. Glorious pictures! I especially like the milkshake pose. Or as I would alternately call it, “squeal like a pig! Soo-ey.” 🙂 Bravo, Kev. Brav-fucking-O!!


  7. WOW. you are too hot.
    LADIES…i present The British Man. Dont worry, i am sure you are pretty enough to snag one of these Brits.
    are you busy and do you have batteries?


  8. Bacongate. Baahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! There is nothing you will not do Kev. I cried laughing. Especially over the daddaries comment.

    Tell Em she’s rockin the shit outta that shirt & I adore her nail polish. Bitch you bet half an asshole that her & I will get on like a house of fire. But I’m not coming to visit unless you agree to pick me up from Heathrow wearing those bad boys.

    It’s the deal breaker x


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