(In an Elvis Presley accent) .. HAIKU!! HAIKU VERY MUCH!!

Oh my darling little blog readers, how I have missed thee!! I can only offer my wholehearted apologies for having neglected you for so long – one can only hope that you’ve found some other way to fill the huge snark-sized void my absence has left in your lives over the last couple of weeks. I could embark here on another whingeing explanation about some triviality called Real Life getting in the way of my writing time, but frankly if you really care about all that you need to get out more – instead let’s focus on today’s post and how I plan to make it all up to you. Today marks a special day, you see, – my baby blog is one year old today!! Woo-Hoo, Huzzah and other positive sounding noises!!!! So to celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before – I’m going to host a competition!!!

  The genesis of this idea began one day when I stumbled very late on an exchange on Twitter where people were trading Haiku’s. For those of you not in the know, a Haiku is a traditional Japanese form of poetry normally consisting of three lines. The strict rules regarding the original format of Haiku don’t normally apply to Haiku’s written in English, but they comprise three lines and often paint a picture without fully describing the subject.  Clear as mud?? Here’s an example:

So here is my plan. I’m going to share with you below a series of Haiku I have written for this blog, in the hope that you may find inspiration/amusement/a way of killing a 5-min teabreak within them. Once you’ve read them and got the feel for it, I want you to submit your own Haiku’s in the comment section below. The closing date will be May 25th, which is MY birthday. I shall read every Haiku submitted between my blog’s birthday and my own, and select a winner from the doubtless stellar contributions you’ve sent in. Details of the frankly quite mundane prizes will be revealed at the end of this post.

Upon composing Haiku,

Television background sound is muted,

Images of suffering inspire.


Solitary beer bottle stands,

Metaphor for loneliness,

Or invitation to companionship?


First Cherry blossom falls,

Soliloquy of solitude,

Have you just farted?


Queueing for groceries in summer,

You pay for two items with credit card,

Restraint saves your life


Wild Geese fly south,

Warmer climes beckon their transit,

Note to self: Buy sweater


Trying to text at traffic lights,

Light keeps turning green,

First World Problems.


Young girl passes scantily dressed,

I think she should wrap up warm,

I’m growing old.


You throw a fancy dress party,

My costume: swastikas and a thesaurus,

Grammar Nazi.


Simple choices confuse me,


Or possibly not?


A mis-placed word brings condemnation,

Enemies circle like hungry jackals,

Welcome to Facebook.


Poor grammatical phrasing,

Coupled with a slim grasp of language,

Ignorance is bliss – for you.


Love blossoms for a best friend,

The girl you liked is taken,

Clouds of happiness bring bitter rain.


Separated by miles of sea and land,

Joined by similar thoughts and dreams,

Many hands write with one voice.


Bitter coffee representing surviving hardships,

Frothy milk representing sweet indulgence,

You are the Caramel Macchiato of my soul.


Fluent in seven languages,

Inspired by Ginsberg and Kerouac,

Baristas of the world, unite.


Dressed by the tastes of others,

Repeating opinions you were spoon-fed,

Shallowness you can drown in.

  To be honest I could churn these out for hours until my fingers were withered away to bleeding stumps, but I need to leave some inspiration for those of you entering the competition, so please feel free to submit your own Haiku on any subject, and don’t feel too worried about staying true to any particular form or structure. Since my million pound cheque from the lottery appears to be delayed in the archaic British postal system, the prizes for this competition are less than awe-inspiring, but don’t let that put you off – the lucky winners will receive the following:-

First Prize: A Haiku, personalised and written by me especially for the winner, penned in my own fair hand on some pretty paper and mounted in a cheap plastic frame ideal for display in a garage or outhouse.

Runner-up Prizes: A copy of the County Press, my local paper, ideal for lining pet cages or useful as an emergency toilet paper replacement, as well as a copy of my cell-phone number so you can personally abuse me for not choosing you as the winner, and a bag of my toenail clippings for Voodoo purposes.

  With such amazing gifts up for grabs, I expect all seven of my readers to bury me beneath a deluge of submissions, but rest assured I shall read every one of them, and every entry will have a chance of winning up to the deadline of midnight, May 24th 2012. In the meantime I’ll try not to leave it so long before I post again, although like a politician I make no promises I may actually have to stick to. I can say however that there are several great blog ideas lined up that merely require me to find enough time in front of my laptop, so stick with me … as Mark Twain once said,

                                 “Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

The Assassin.


19 comments on “(In an Elvis Presley accent) .. HAIKU!! HAIKU VERY MUCH!!

  1. First off . . . you have the same birthday as my mother. I will try really hard not to hold that against you.

    Second . . . of all my talents, of which there are obviously many, poetry is not one of them. I recently tried my had at dirty limericks, to raving succes of course, but alas I have never tried a haiku. Plus, I thought it was 5/7/5. I’ll think about it, though, and maybe try my hand. I fear I will be woefully unprepared and outmatched by your other 6 fans.


    • Fortunately Misty, the 5-7-5 form is not a strict framework when writing in English. Plus I’m more interested in the results than any strict adherence to protocol, so feel free to adapt and improvise to your heart’s content. And surely if I ever needed someone who was well versed in tying things up in words and being un-necessarily long-winded about a very simple theme, I need look no further than a lawyer??? Regardless, you never know until you try – you’ll never win those toenail clippings otherwise!!


      • Alright Mr man….. I am not a huge fan of writing poetry as it requires me to
        a. be on a barstool, which usuall means I will
        b. get drunk and further
        c. everything will be about booze – I will have no diversity in my writing.

        However, never one to back down from a challenge…. I shall work on this. Plus I just realized I still owe you a post… SHIT.


        • Hey, the post can wait until you’re good and ready – and do you realise you just posted your first Haiku without realising it??

          On a barstool which usually means,
          I will get drunk and further,
          Everything will be about booze.

          You’re obviously a natural at this. Entry accepted – now let’s see if you can improve on that!!


      • Ok, here is my opening volley. It’s just a warm up, so don’t get excited. (Is it just me, or do most of these sound like headlines you might find at the Onion or something?).

        Living in paradise and love
        On scenic island
        But why so far from bloggy friends?

        Friends from afar
        Yet to meet in person
        Plan trip in paradise for shenanigans

        Son turns four
        Celebrates with dad at zoo
        Mom misses fun for hateful job

        People without mirrors
        Who dress whacked in public
        Thanks for blog fodder

        More to come . . .


        • Now we’re getting into the swing of it!! Some good entries there – but we need more!!! Keep posting them people!!! And good work Misty, have a gold star on your workbook….


  2. I failed at English & I don’t even know what the hell a Haiku is. But I’m all up in any competition because I just like to win at everything. So here goes my submission. And don’t act all shocked & surprised on me when you read the haikus below. I can only assume you would expect nothing less from me.

    Ball sacs are not snacks
    Salty but not like potato chips
    And excellent for fuck punching


    Gases released unsuspecting odour omitted
    Offending nasal passages with sulphuric fury
    Everyday poo particles are shufflin’

    You’re welcome

    And I really hope I win.


    • That’s some pretty fierce opening competition from the New Zealand contingent right there!!! Not too shabby for a self-proclaimed amateur!!! Will it be enough to take the Haiku Crown??? Only time will tell……..

      BTW, the ball-sack haiku had me in tears of laughter….far preferable to the tears of pain if you were ever to fuck-punch me in the nads. Let’s hope you win, and I don’t have to live in fear for the next year.


    • A woman after my own heart there Jen – keeping it simple, yet keeping it real too. I applaud your opening gambit. Does it make you feel all fuzzy inside that I thought of you when I wrote the ‘caramel macchiato of my soul’ Haiku??


  3. Let me see what I can come up with.

    Sweetness, I love you so
    but if you don’t stop talking
    I’m going to get stabby.


    • Wow. Not only a strong first entry, but a pretty good reason to take the judging seriously!!! Nice one Lori, keep them coming if you think of more – I’m off to invest in a Kevlar stab vest!!


  4. Well, I am lovingggg the haikus from you and your fabulous followers! As for yours, you had me at grammar nazi! Hilarious. As usual, I checked out your blog just when I needed some fun in my life! We just taught the kiddos Haiku and made them stick to the 5/7/5, so in the interest of being a good role model (I know) I will do so as well. And I’m whipping this out of my ass just now so, sorry if it’s weak.

    Flip me and enter
    see hot bod behind closed eyes
    I’m a roll model



    • Outstanding bit of play-on-words there Mommy, and props to you for sticking to the traditional 5-7-5 model too!! Glad we continue to bring a little illumination into your life!!! (‘Roll model’ … chuckle…..)


    • So now we know who to blame!! Although since I’m sat in the sun in my garden I can’t really complain!! Thanks for the entry Starle, you’re now in with a chance of winning! Feel free to post again if you want – and good luck!!


  5. Pingback: Some People Are Lovely « socialassassin

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