Oh my darling little blog readers, how I have missed thee!! I can only offer my wholehearted apologies for having neglected you for so long – one can only hope that you’ve found some other way to fill the huge snark-sized void my absence has left in your lives over the last couple of weeks. I could embark here on another whingeing explanation about some triviality called Real Life getting in the way of my writing time, but frankly if you really care about all that you need to get out more – instead let’s focus on today’s post and how I plan to make it all up to you. Today marks a special day, you see, – my baby blog is one year old today!! Woo-Hoo, Huzzah and other positive sounding noises!!!! So to celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before – I’m going to host a competition!!!
The genesis of this idea began one day when I stumbled very late on an exchange on Twitter where people were trading Haiku’s. For those of you not in the know, a Haiku is a traditional Japanese form of poetry normally consisting of three lines. The strict rules regarding the original format of Haiku don’t normally apply to Haiku’s written in English, but they comprise three lines and often paint a picture without fully describing the subject. Clear as mud?? Here’s an example:
So here is my plan. I’m going to share with you below a series of Haiku I have written for this blog, in the hope that you may find inspiration/amusement/a way of killing a 5-min teabreak within them. Once you’ve read them and got the feel for it, I want you to submit your own Haiku’s in the comment section below. The closing date will be May 25th, which is MY birthday. I shall read every Haiku submitted between my blog’s birthday and my own, and select a winner from the doubtless stellar contributions you’ve sent in. Details of the frankly quite mundane prizes will be revealed at the end of this post.
Upon composing Haiku,
Television background sound is muted,
Images of suffering inspire.
Solitary beer bottle stands,
Metaphor for loneliness,
Or invitation to companionship?
First Cherry blossom falls,
Soliloquy of solitude,
Have you just farted?
Queueing for groceries in summer,
You pay for two items with credit card,
Restraint saves your life
Wild Geese fly south,
Warmer climes beckon their transit,
Note to self: Buy sweater
Trying to text at traffic lights,
Light keeps turning green,
First World Problems.
Young girl passes scantily dressed,
I think she should wrap up warm,
I’m growing old.
You throw a fancy dress party,
My costume: swastikas and a thesaurus,
Simple choices confuse me,
Or possibly not?
A mis-placed word brings condemnation,
Enemies circle like hungry jackals,
Welcome to Facebook.
Poor grammatical phrasing,
Coupled with a slim grasp of language,
Ignorance is bliss – for you.
Love blossoms for a best friend,
The girl you liked is taken,
Clouds of happiness bring bitter rain.
Separated by miles of sea and land,
Joined by similar thoughts and dreams,
Many hands write with one voice.
Bitter coffee representing surviving hardships,
Frothy milk representing sweet indulgence,
You are the Caramel Macchiato of my soul.
Fluent in seven languages,
Inspired by Ginsberg and Kerouac,
Baristas of the world, unite.
Dressed by the tastes of others,
Repeating opinions you were spoon-fed,
Shallowness you can drown in.
To be honest I could churn these out for hours until my fingers were withered away to bleeding stumps, but I need to leave some inspiration for those of you entering the competition, so please feel free to submit your own Haiku on any subject, and don’t feel too worried about staying true to any particular form or structure. Since my million pound cheque from the lottery appears to be delayed in the archaic British postal system, the prizes for this competition are less than awe-inspiring, but don’t let that put you off – the lucky winners will receive the following:-
First Prize: A Haiku, personalised and written by me especially for the winner, penned in my own fair hand on some pretty paper and mounted in a cheap plastic frame ideal for display in a garage or outhouse.
Runner-up Prizes: A copy of the County Press, my local paper, ideal for lining pet cages or useful as an emergency toilet paper replacement, as well as a copy of my cell-phone number so you can personally abuse me for not choosing you as the winner, and a bag of my toenail clippings for Voodoo purposes.
With such amazing gifts up for grabs, I expect all seven of my readers to bury me beneath a deluge of submissions, but rest assured I shall read every one of them, and every entry will have a chance of winning up to the deadline of midnight, May 24th 2012. In the meantime I’ll try not to leave it so long before I post again, although like a politician I make no promises I may actually have to stick to. I can say however that there are several great blog ideas lined up that merely require me to find enough time in front of my laptop, so stick with me … as Mark Twain once said,
“Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”