Twas The Night Before Christmas……

  Merry Christmas to all of you obscenely drunken revelling fools, and the best of seasonal wishes to all of you!!! This has been a freaking crazy year, when I decided for the first tentative time to venture into the blogging community for the first time. I’ve only been posting since April, but already the response has been far more than I ever envisaged, and I found myself becoming more and more involved with the new community of friends I found online. As you can imagine since I am writing this quite literally on Christmas Eve, my time is short, since I have to be up in just over six hours to cook a seven-course christmas lunch for over sixty people. So instead of a long-winded blog, I’ve recorded a short audio clip to send my best wishes to you all. It might possibly contain a swear word or two, so don’t listen in front of the kids or grandma!!

The audio clip IS AVAILABLE HERE for those of you in need of a break from the regular Christmas Chaos. >>>>

Twas The Night Before Christmas

  I’ll probably be quiet now until a little way into the New Year as I alternately work my ass off or spend time with my wonderful family. Enormous amounts of Christmas Cheer to each and every one of you, we’ll see each other next year. Until then, Love from Mr and Mrs Assassin, and the Assassinettes. HO HO HO!!

The Assassins



19 comments on “Twas The Night Before Christmas……

  1. Holy friggin shitballs, I just listened to that whole thing without getting distracted by the hum of the dishwasher & Blake standing in front of me with no pants on. It was the best night before xmas story ever!!! I felt like I was listening to the god dam BBC story telling session. Loved it mate. Really I did. I even made Blake listen to it.

    And I actually laughed out loud at the reindeer/poo/roof bit. One thing I feel very blessed for this year is meeting you & Em. For reals. I am 100% sure we will meet one day & slag of some ho’s together. And get well munted. And you can cook a bitch some eggs.

    Cheers for the Christmas love bud. Stay kickass. Lots of love to Mr & Mrs SA from Mrs & Mr D xoxoxoxox


  2. Damn, that was epic. I just put my wee one to bed & read him the real but much less rad version of that poem. Yours was much preferred, thank you! Thanks for the shout out as well, mate. I’m glad you got the card before Xmas, in fact. I was hoping it would make it.

    I have enjoyed knowing you these past few months & your lovely words made me smile when memories of loved ones recently lost have put a pall of sadness over the family on this eve of Xmas. Thanks for the smile. It was much needed.

    Happy happy to you & the entire assassin family! Enjoy your time with your beautiful fam. See you in the new year! Merry Xmas!!!


    • Thanks Misty, I’m glad you were able to find a small moment of laughter from that!! It’s been a pleasure getting to converse with you as well, and I look forward to continuing to do so in the next year!! Wishing a great New Year to you and all of yours!!


  3. Oh Kevin, you are going to make a sappy-ass bitch out of me yet. This has been an emotional week at best and listening to your message right after leaving church was all it took to make me laugh until I cried. You are such an amazing person and I am perpetually astounded that a year ago I didn’t even know that crazy mofos like you, Bex, Wags and Misty even existed…now I can’t imagine life without you all. Much love and a very Merry Christmas to you, Emily, and your beautiful children from me an my sugar-addled short people. 🙂


    • I freaking love the fact that you listened to that directly out of church – talk about a culture clash!! Still, the baby Jeebus hasn’t struck me down yet so I’m assuming he’s cool with it. Em and the kids send their love back to P-town, and we look forward to doing our part to alleviate your boredom and frustration in 2012!! Happy Holidays!


  4. First of all… you do not sound like a farmer or whatever the fuck it is you called yourself. You sound like I figured you would, but that may be because I have a friend from the UK who has this way about him that for whatever reason, be you opposites (you are) or whatever… lends his voice to your blog. And now that I have a real voice it isn’t that far off.

    All that aside, thank you for remembering my name… these days after what most celebrate I am finally out of hiding and reading the things I should have to make myself feel better in the moment… I am finally getting around to listening, laughing and most of all thanking. Thanking you because know it or not your honesty is inspiring to me. Your sarcastic self, with your claims of being a baby blogger and I here I am, having been at it for years… realizing and knowing there is always something to learn. In these brief months you have shown me a brutal open place I didn’t realize I was capable of going, without knowing it, you took me there. And you thought I only wanted your musical stylings…. okay, I do. Don’t forget my cd sucka! Work, shmurk, excuses are like assholes and you have enough that read your shit to know what I’m saying…. 😀

    But really… Happy Solstice to you and your beautiful Family… I hope that fat bastard brought you some awesome treats and the kids got no coal. (Maybe he even left some of that majik potion somewhere because I thought we had a tweet a shot date??? shit… missed that.)

    We’ll have to re-do that, until we next… bring on the sarcasm, bring on the bull shit, bring on the assassin…….. sars


    • Replies like this are like cake to a fat kid – the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I find acceptance of praise an awkward thing at the best of times, and often use sarcasm to hide behind, but thinking that I might be encouraging someone to find new confidence in themselves makes me want to dance around my lounge punching the air and smiling like a loon. I haven’t forgotten your cd or the reason behind it, and if it’s not up by the 1st Jan deadline rest assured it is very much already in progress. I’ve always felt that honesty is the best policy, it may leave you more open to attack sometimes, but it beats the hell out of remembering which bunch of lies you’re supposed to be hiding behind. Have a fantastic year Sars, there’s a whole shit-storm of sarcasm and bare-faced honesty to come x
      (Footnote: Santa has been leaving 10 Euro notes for bad children .. apparently they’re less expensive than a lump of coal these days.)


  5. Darling peachy poo thank you so much for the shout out! It really made my day! I know it’s like wayy after the fact, but hey better late to this party than never, right? RIGHT. Anywhoo, I hope Santa brought your kids the appropriate amount of squealing and wasted wrapping paper, and wish you and your too freaking adorable family all the best for the New Year. Looking forward to reading more of your blog, and collaborating on that rap album… but of course we need to get our friend Margarita on it because she is fucking bad ass… I won’t even step to her and I went head to head with you. hahaha. All right now I’m just rambling and looking like an idiot. Enjoy the day off! And thank you! Much love and good will from sunny San Diego!


    • Thank you mate, may our coming year be filled with global success and platinum-selling rap albums – or failing that at least an ever-growing blog readership and great new friends and such. Bouncing that love from sunny San Diego right back to ya from the dark, cold and rainy shores of the Isle of Wight!!


  6. oooohhhhmmmmyyyggaaawwwddddddddddd I can’t believe I have been off the blogging circuit for so long. This story, it interests me with its vulgarity and tear inducing sweetness.


    • I’m going to make that the tagline on my range of mens underwear available from summer this year. Gold lame thongs bearing the slogan ‘Social Assassin: Vulgarity and Tear-Inducing Sweetness’.


  7. This is a super late comment. I am just catching up. That was the best Night Before Christmas EVERRRR!!! You are the rap KING ❤ And your mention was sweet as was the package, particularly my Bad Boy mints!!! I meant to write a blog but then I went into that funk. Anyway. This bitch is back. But don't tell anybody 😉


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