Past Lives, Wag’s Wives, Mindless Prattle, (C)Rap Battle.


Well now, didn’t that last post generate what can only be described as some ‘interesting’ traffic?!! In hindsight since readers of blogs often reflect the author who writes them, I shouldn’t really have been surprised that most of you had narrow-minded dirty little questions for me – and what I first envisaged as a high-brow ‘get to know the assassin’ post degenerated from the first comment into a free-for-all based around my past sex life. Le sigh. Still, it was an absolute blast and generated four or five days of good traffic for the site so at least my inner narcissist was suitably appeased. Today I’m going to touch on several subjects all in one post, as the title may have hinted at. The mindless prattle part comes from how I see half of what I write, so there’s nothing new to report on that front darlings. So in no particular order, let me briefly touch on Wag’s Wives (see, it’s sounding dirty again already!!).

This picture in no way represents the entrants of Mrs WagtheDad. They're not even carrying Shivs...

Those of you who have read my posts rather than skimmed the funny pictures (the second often being the more advisable route) and those of you who have perused my blogroll will be familiar with Wag the Dad, who has just finished hosting the inaugural Mrs WagtheDad Beauty Pageant. In possibly the most legitimate excuse for getting women online to send him pictures of themselves without technically violating any stalking laws, he solicited entries from his readership which were judged by a panel of four experts (cough) who made the decision for him, neatly absolving him of any blame and/or work on his part. At his invitation, I was one of those judges. I shall say no more on the subject of the entrants, except to mention the very high standard of entries across the board, but you can go and investigate the whole scenario over at his site, beginning here. I mention this today for two reasons:

1) So I have my own chance to mention the winners, thus currying favour with them and inflating their helium-filled ego balloons to bursting point. So the heartiest of congratulations to Jaime and Jen, co-winners (bi-winning?) of the title of Runner-Up in this year’s contest, who both put up a great fight to the top, involving wit, talent, humour and blatant judge-bribery. None of which, sadly, was enough to sway things for either of them since they were handed their (award-winning) asses on a platter by this year’s winner, the wonderful Johi from Confessions of a Cornfed Girl. Madam, any woman who wins a contest of beauty dressed in a suit which can only be described as ‘pathologically violent green’ is fully deserving of her title, and we look forward to seeing how you manage to turn this on Wag and make him regret he ever tied his name to yours for a year!! Congratulations to you all!!

2) These ladies were not the only ones who entered. ALL of the entries were of a comparable high standard, and the result was a close one. I can only assume the above named entries had bribery involving alcohol going on behind the scenes, because there was a tough time in the Assassin house deciding the grades. So congratulations to those of you who didn’t place as well, both for being uber-lovely and for having the stones to enter in the first place. Hopefully this now removes the likelihood that one of these crazy shiv-carrying nutters will jump me and push me under my train to work. Still, I’m watching my back for the next few weeks!…..

The next noteworthy piece of news today is about another in a long line of rap battles I seem to keep getting involved in. For the record, I DO NOT THINK I AM VANILLA ICE – for a start, whilst undeniably questionable over the years my hair has NEVER looked that bad. Also, I can rap. Well, a little anyway. The blame here falls squarely on another Wag contestant, Feryx Lim, who dragged me into this battle kicking and screaming in protest all the way (ahem). Possibly in an attempt to curry favour re:her entry into Mrs Wag, she interviewed me for her blog. One of her questions referred to the now-legendary rap-battle between my self and RADventures over the defence of Shakespeare, and she asked me if I would write her a little rap, which I duly obliged with. When the interview was up, she emailed me back her rebuttal, also in rap form. Never one to dodge a word-based challenge I responded, and before I knew it she was asking for permission to post our ‘discussion’. I should have known better after my spectacular failure of judgement on my last post choice, but I said yes. Some mild rap warring was thus posted on her site, and I had already disposed of one competitor when into the ring stepped Becca. I can only assume that she misconstrued some of my ‘dope lyrical flow’ as genuine invective, because she brought the game to me, and brought it HARD!! Soon, worried we may be about hunt each other down and ‘pop’ some ‘caps’ at each other, Feryx called uncle on the whole game and asked us to play nice. So (despite her post claiming to have ‘won’ the battle), we chatted via Twitter and agreed to make up and be friends. So hat’s off to Feryx for putting me in not one but TWO consecutive posts on her site, and most of all to Becca, for making me happy as a proverbial hog by giving me a challenge I could sink my teeth into. So now I’ve told you all about that, we can move on to the final part of today’s blog.

What?? You want what?? A link to the (C)Rap Battle??? No, you don’t want to read that, do you? Oh. Oh, ok. Very well then. For those of you not easily disturbed either by a white boy rapping, or rude words and ‘disses’ on ‘Yo mamma’ and the such-like, travel ye hence to this link, but don’t say I didn’t warn you – no holds were barred in the making of this battle. Becca and I make Tupac and Biggie sound like a pair of Baptist ministers discussing world peace. At least you’ll see why eventually we BOTH (ahem) won one of these :-

And so finally to ‘Past Lives’ – the last part of today’s blog and a source of both pride and pain. Well, bruised feelings anyway. Recently, I indulged my creative writing side and entered a competition that could potentially lead to four short essays by yours truly being published. In a real book and everything. Except the notification date was yesterday, and I won precisely – squat. Boo Hoo, the nasty author people won’t publish me this time. However, since I enjoyed writing the essay so much, I’m going to include it here so you all get the chance to read it at least. It was based around the question “What would you say to your 20yr old self if you had the chance to have that conversation?” and here is my entry… (And thank you Jaime for your support )… 🙂

TO MY TWENTY YEAR OLD SELF

 From my vantage point I can see you a short way off, sat beneath an overhanging Ash on a dilapidated park bench, long curly hair distressed by the wind and battered acoustic guitar clutched to your chest like a talisman of some long-lost faith.  I can’t see from here but my money would be on you picking at the chipped and fading green paint, lost deeply in some inner dialogue with yourself. I know this because you are me, and I am you.  There is a difference between us though – you are 20 years old, while I am now 35.  You have yet to experience anything truly momentous in your life despite what you may think, whilst I have just been presented with the most unlikely and significant moment in my life.

I have the opportunity to talk to you, to have one of those unique moments only normally seen in science fiction movies, a moment in time where I can offer advice to my younger self that could help me change the course of my life that has gone before. If I could just convince you that this is real, is happening, is NOW, then in the space of a few well thought out sentences I could make myself rich, or erase mistakes I have made, or even guide you towards the opportunities I have squandered and stop you (us?) from missing chances that would have dramatically improved the years to come. Yet now the moment is here, I find myself suddenly at a loss as to what say. Where to start, what event or advice to impart to you first?

You would have so many questions, I know that. We’ve always been inquisitive, always wanting to know all there is to know, learn more, to be smarter. So far that has stood you in good stead, doing well at school despite always ending up on the fringe of social groups, never quite being part of the ‘in’ crowd. You wear that isolation like a badge, preferring your own company and the space to think away from the mindless chatter of your peers. If I could tell you now, however, that in your next decade and a half it will take you a long time to grow out of this, and that your reluctance to engage with others will cause you to be excluded from work opportunities and great friendships, would you believe me? Even if you did, would I have had the courage at your age to act upon it, to make a change? I have to be honest and say that I doubt it. I would be confident enough to do that now, but not at twenty and only just beginning to gain that confidence.

Would I tell you that you are now married? That despite thinking right now, at this moment in time, that you would never feel truly comfortable with someone else’s children, you now have two stepchildren that you love as though they were your own? That would probably scare the hell out of you. Right now you have enough trouble holding down a steady girlfriend, let alone dealing with the concept of a family.

There is much I could tell you though. I could tell you to travel more, now while you have the chance, for it is one of your greatest regrets that you missed that chance and are now too tied down by the constraints of your lifestyle to see all those other countries you so often daydream about exploring. I might also consider telling you to take another career path, for although you are happy in your work (which is preciously rare enough for most) you yearn for better financial grounds on which to raise your family. Hell, I might even tell you to ditch that tattered old leather biker jacket you’re wearing, which will remain inseparable from you for a good five years yet, and which frankly should have been disposed of five years before now.

Women – ah yes, women. Perhaps I should speak to you of them too, for over the next few years at least you will display what can only be described as a staggeringly poor choice in this field, with little or no redeeming moments. Possibly the fact that you became engaged at the foolishly young age of seventeen only to have her break your heart has left you jaded, or more probably the pain of losing your mother when you were twelve has caused you to judge all females against her unassailable example. Either way, you are in for some miserable experiences unless I use this chance to warn you away from them. One such woman especially will be the first to totally capture your heart, and the first to shatter it underfoot, and she will leave you afraid of trusting women for so long you will consider foregoing sex forever. Forever, in fact, will turn out to be just over two years, but it is within my grasp to help you avoid that stupid drought of affection.

My standing here prevaricating will solve nothing, however, and so I take my first tentative step towards you – and then it hits me. Hits me harder than that football fan who will knock you out next year. Newton said for each and every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. What if, by trying to help you, I change our destiny so that things in my life, the life you will lead in fifteen years, are taken away from me? What if some small change means I never meet my wife or children, or suffer some as yet unknown catastrophe? If I have the power to change your life for the better, might that not change my life for the worse?

Life is full of irony, and it often crops up where we least expect it. Today is one of those days, it would seem. Presented with the unique opportunity to say anything I want to my twenty year old self, I draw the conclusion that the best thing to say is … nothing. After all, the bad things in life merely teach us to be more grateful of the things we already have. Unable to resist the chance to interact somehow though, however small, I reach into my pocket and draw out a single high ‘E’ guitar string. As I walk past you and off into the gathering gloom of evening, I drop it on the bench un-noticed next to you. When yours breaks in about four minutes as you begin to butcher a Radiohead song, that’s really going to blow your tiny little mind…

O.K. gang, that’s me done for today. Don’t forget to leave me some of those lovely comments that let me know there’s someone out there reading this. What would you say to YOUR 20yr old self? Fancy yourself as a rapper? Or just want to tell me how awesome I am (oh go on then….)?? Whatever it is, I always look forward to hearing from you all. I’ll be back soon with an easy-to-read blog with lots of pretty pictures, before a much-needed return to spitting some harsh venom at things that annoy me. If you want to see that, tune in again soon. Until then, love to each and every one of you,

The Assassin.x

P.S. Those of you who also follow my FaceBook page (SocialAssassinBlog) may have seen this, but here it is for the rest of you to laugh at. Spotted on the private ads board at a British supermarket, this is NOT ME. I don’t charge for my assassinations, I do it for the look in their eyes……………

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By socialassassin

28 comments on “Past Lives, Wag’s Wives, Mindless Prattle, (C)Rap Battle.

  1. I’m in awe of your rapping skillz.
    Thank you for finding the perfect color to describe my suit- ‘pathologically violent green’ is the exact phrase that I have been searching for since I discovered that suit 12 years ago in my Mom’s closet and wore it for an entire Christmas celebration. Nothing says PARTY like a pathologically violet green leisure suit. Also, thank you for judging that competition with dignity and grace (clearly you did, because I won.)
    I freaking LOVE your letter to your 20 year old self! WHY DIDN’T IT GET PUBLISHED???? Okay, I’ll stop yelling now. But seriously, you have talent.

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    • Aw shucks, thank you Ma’am. I’ve always loved writing since I was a kid, and the short post format of a blog allows me to indulge that whim. Serious writing, however, takes time and planning and that’s tricky to fit in around work and other mundane trivia. Congratulations on your win, if you knew that such greatness would be bestowed on you at this time in life what would YOU have said to your 20 year old self??

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  2. Now this is a post that packs a terrific punch. This whole Internets blogging bashing stalking thing rocks, and I can’t believe it took me this long to get into it. At any rate, this post is most excellent. Did I say this already? Made me think, really hard, about what I would say to ME at 20, and then it made me get all choked up thinking about it so now I have to go have coffee at Starbuck’s to keep it real and what I am saying is this:

    Thanks. Rare is the post that makes me stop and keep it real.

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    • Thank you Wag. One of the things I liked about your site when I found it was that for all the humour and wisecracks, you often deal with some heavy issues in a way that makes people think. Like everyone with an audience from politicians to priests, I always hope that if we can cause a minute change for the better in just one reader, it’s a great thing we have done. So what WOULD you say to yourself at 20???

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  3. I love your letter… you clearly deserved to win… damn asshats that did the judging, I tell you! Also thanks for helping with the judging for wag…. and putting up with my shameless bribery that clearly didn’t work well enough…… lol

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    • Who says the bribery didn’t work?? Remember, there were four judges resulting in an average score!! For all you know, I might have given you 5’s across the board (I didn’t) or been genuinely impressed by the bribery (I was). Glad you liked the essay – it’s the one I confused you about on Twitter…

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  4. YOU WERE ROBBED!! No, not the crap battle, silly. That essay is the bomb. I would have enjoyed reading it in a published tome. At least it gets to be read by your followers, so there’s that. I know that is a small consolation, but I greatly enjoyed it. Even though I knew what you were going to say at the end (not the guitar string, the nothing part).

    Also, the picture above is inaccurate. That woman in the middle is NOT wearing a GREEN suit. Especially not a homicidally offensive one, at that.

    There are so many things I would want to tell my stupid 20 year old self. But I’m kind of like you . . . would it change my life now for the better, or for the worse? There are many things I wish were different about my life, but I am blessed in many ways as well. I don’t know if I’d be willing to take that leap for the off chance of losing what I hold dear in my life right now. So, I think I’m with you on this one.

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    • It’s always a tricky one isn’t it – would I give up the good to change the bad?? I suspect there is no right answer, just one that’s right for each of us. And I LOVE the fact that you referred to my readers as followers – now I’m picturing myself as head of some dubious cult, all free love, chai spices and kaftans ahoy. If it ever happens, you can be one of my polygamous wives….

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      • I would be honored to be in your harem. Wait. Unless that makes me sound like a whore…..because, dear sir, I am offended at the mere suggestion of……eh, who am I kidding? Sign me up!

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  5. Darling peach poo…. thanks for the proper nods vis a vie our rap battle. As you are well aware there’s no challenge that I shrink away from, and you proved to be a most worthy opponent. For reals… when are we getting started on our upcoming sure to be double platinum rap album… you bring the flavor and I’ll bring the heat, together we just can’t be beat! Ahem…. I digress… As another judge of the Ms Wag contest it was hard to pick and choose but I too am happy with Johi as reigning uhh whatever she is. The green suit is WICKED! Beautiful note/letter/essay to yourself. You’re as thoughtful as you are bombastic. xoxox — Your snuggle custard.

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    • A double platinum album is the least of our plans,
      You bring the heat, I’ll bring the words no-one understands,
      I enjoyed our little moment of jousting with our voices,
      And for Mrs Wag I thought we made some excellent choices.

      And I think that is the first time anyone has ever referred to me as bombastic – nice!!

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  6. ah sir…. Thanks for even putting me into the consideration that I never even considered when it came to Ms Wag… Who can compete with all that is Johi, or the amazing Jen (shiv or no shiv….). I don’t know Jaime yet, but am getting there and she’s pretty cool too.

    As for what I’d tell myself at 20, that it an easy one…… “Hey dumbass! If everyone tells you he is a controlling piece of shit, they are right and you are not, Do Not marry the motherfucker. The next six years will be a living hell and leave scars that will last longer than you can imagine.” That pretty much sums it up.

    I do have a holiday challenge for you, if you are up to the task. Pop me an email or DM me on the twitts.

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    • Don’t be harsh on yourself Sars, it truly was a very close competition, and there may well have been a lot less in it than you think!! Plus it took a lot of guts for you all to even enter in the first place so fair play to every one of you. I think your message to yourself illustrates perfectly what I was saying above – the response is different for everyone in every walk of life, based as it is on the balance of contentment and change in each of us. Sorry you had to deal with an asshat ex – we all have them, and some refuse to die civilly when asked. And your challenge intrigues me – I’m going to email you now!!!!

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      • meh, the ass hat ex (who I prefer to call douchenozzle – the business end that gets the nasty shit) taught me much about me. I would not be who I am nor as colourful without him 🙂

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        • I fully believe we are the sum of all our parts, both good and bad. Without the bad things in life we each experience, we would be different people to who we are today. I hate some of the crap that’s happened to me over the years, but I wouldn’t change ME for anything.

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  7. OK, you may not be Vanilla Ice, but I truly will “Stop! Collaborate and listen…” when youspeak. That letter was beautiful and poignantand brought a tear to this jaded old lady’s eye. 🙂 You are an exceptional person, Kev. And on a side note, I am honored to be your blogroll bitch (even if Bex does pimp me out to your mates. . .or maybe because of that. Haven’t decided yet).

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    • Wow. I never expected that little essay to generate such strong responses!! Shame it never made the cut, it was for a compilation book to raise money for breast cancer research (an issue recently affecting my own family). Not that it will deter me from trying again though!! As you know yourself Jen, kind comments like this are to a writer what crack is to an addict, so thanks for my latest fix lady!! And on the blogroll thing, you deserved to be up there long ago, as did several other new additions – my apologies for not getting round to it sooner! Anyone else who wants to join this elite hall of blogging fame, email me and shout at me!! Right, I’m off to go “..rollin’ in my five-point-oh with the rag-top down so my hair can blow..”. Word to your momma…………. 🙂

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  8. Because I am bogged down by a shitload of work, I have no time to come up with original blogging ideas and will now steal yours. A letter to my 20 yr old self it is. It wasn’t so long ago though.. like last week? 😀

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  9. another awesome blog and what a great letter to yourself !!! after reading i sat back lit a smoke and contemplated what i would say to myself , and i decided nothing because the 20 year old kirk would do 2 things if i approached him, ask for the grand national winners and then knock me out for not knowing them !
    Love your writing fella and like i always tell you ” you should do this for a living ” , keep penning the words bro and i will always read them , peace light and love to you from your best friend and number 1 fan ……… and the occasional pain in your writers ass ( do not elaborate on this i already know ) xx

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    • Kirk mate I always get a kick out of people commenting on my blog, but comments from my friends and family mean the most to me – and you’re virtually both, brother. Trust me, if I thought I could quit work tomorrow and make enough money straight away to pay my mortgage and support my family, I’d give my boss the finger in a heartbeat. Until then, I’ll look forward to comments like yours putting the polish on an otherwise dull day.

      PS You owe me a £5.

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  10. Strange question…has it always been snowing on your blog or is that new? Or am I finally ready for the nuthatch?? I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that it’s the latter.
    You definitely did get robbed of that award.

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    • Aw thanks so much!! I think the standard was very high though, plus it was for a book to raise money for Breast Cancer research so I expect there were a great many entries!! And the snow is a new feature from WordPress available in the options settings for my blog – it’ll be gone by January 6th!!

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    • Thanks Roy – as well as a fun writing exercise, it proved to be an interesting moment of self-analysis and introspection. But then I got bored and made a grilled cheese sandwich. My therapist says my attention span is very … ooh, a squirrel!…………….

      Like

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