Holy Hand-Grenades Batman, it’s a Baffling Blogging Bonus…..


Well knock me down with a feather and call me Mildred, honoured guests and readers, if this morning I didn’t get tipped out of bed by my wife wake gracefully to discover my wife all a-blither that I had received my first ever blogging award. Toast and coffee (and then more coffee) duly imbibed, I sat down at my battered old laptop to read the latest post from undeniably the greatest second greatest blogger on the face of the Earth, the legendary Becky Delport from I’m just a girl & I’ve had it up to here. Well, bugger me with a sideways baseball bat if she hadn’t gone and named me in her short-list of five winners to which she was passing the golden baton of The Versatile Blogger Award.

Firstly, a little about the award. It is awarded to bloggers who are capable of writing about a diverse range of subjects and topics. Once awarded, the recipient must a) compose a short dedication to the person who awarded them the award, b) write a list for their readers detailing things about themselves their readers don’t know, and then c) pass the love forward to five bloggers that they feel deserve to receive it too. Only too glad to take recognition and credit without having to pay money, I hereby graciously accept my dubiously-earnt award, and here follows my attempt to fulfill my obligations. Gushing Kate-Winslet-style-acceptance-speech circuits – ENGAGE!!!

My Award Nominator.

Step you forward into the spotlight (no, not a police helicopter this time..) young Becky, the true Queen of the Jungle, the Thriller from Manila, the Rumble in the Jungle, the King of Swing, the … er…. Nutter from Nelson. Since day one of my short but incandescent rise to the heights of blogging glory, Becky has been by my side. Or more accurately, one step behind me where she can keep an eye on me. A one woman tirade of filth-drenched venom and un-channeled hatred, Darth Delport has been one of my more regular commenters and has served as a constant reminder to me that yes, I CAN get away with that thing I just blogged about because Holy Handjobs look what SHE just posted about. My virtual online yardstick for the measurement of smut and grossness, this woman has single-handedly led my way into the darkness of blogging territory like a shining beacon of inappropriate behaviour. She herself is a perfect example of a versatile blogger – she can talk about piss, faeces AND excessive drinking all in one post. She has a frankly encyclopedic vocabulary of swear words and descriptions for genitals, some of which she must surely be making up on the spot, and her scathing wit cuts deeper than a jittery mugger post-crackpipe.

But on an equally more serious note, she was also one of the first people to encourage me, to tell me that my writing made her laugh, to prompt and inspire me to unchain the dark little daemons in my brain and let them loose on a page. She has befriended me outside the world of WordPress/Blogger, we have exchanged funny Facebook statuses, emails and Tweets, and she has proved to be a thoroughly nice and approachable (from the front, with slow cautious movements) lady I am now proud to call a friend rather than an online acquaintance. One day when we rule the world side by side as blogging giants, our finances will allow us to meet face to face. Or, given her stature, face to man-nipple. On that day, since she most charmingly refers to me as her twin with a penis, we shall see if the same person meeting themselves due to a time/space continuum flux really does result in the apocalyptic and instant destruction of time itself. (Ask a geek.) If not, we will attempt to recreate that scene via the medium of alcohol. Becky, if I was going to get this award from anyone, I’m chuffed as nuts its from you.

Some shizzle about my bizzle you never knew:

Funnily enough, Bex asked recently on one of her posts in the comment section if anyone had any ‘special’ talents. Some of them made her blog comments, and so if you read her stuff you may recognise a couple of these – sorry for any repetition involved. If you DON’T read Bex’s blog, this will all be new, but I don’t care, because if you DON”T read Bex you are an asshat.

1. I know more god-awful jokes than anyone you know. Full stop. Test me if you like, but don’t complain about the consequences. My father when I was a child bought me a book called “100,1 Jokes for Kids”. I memorised it from cover to cover. So he bought me “Another 100,1 Jokes for Kids”. I memorised that too. By my reckoning, by the time he realised his mistake, I had over 10,000 jokes memorised that even a five-year old will groan at. If you couple that with all the rude, racist and downright ugly jokes I have memorised over the last twenty years, I have enough material to hold down a Saturday night HBO series for the next fifty years.

2. I have, for some unknown reason, very flexible joints. This is not a critique of my rolling skills, but a reference to the fact that my body will contort into positions that would literally break an ordinary human. I can turn my feet around so they point backwards whilst I point forwards, and can pop out my shoulder blades and use them to carry a can of beer. Find THAT sucker, nightclub bouncers. I can make one eyeball look left while one looks ahead, and can bend both of my thumbs onto the backs of my hands. Here I am giving myself a round of applause for my new blogging award….

3. My favourite food EVER is the Brussel Sprout. Considered by some to be hard vegetable-based proof of the existence of Satan, and responsible for more foul wind than a down-wind gust from Chernobyl, I would carve up some fool to get to a plate of these suckers first. On one Christmas when my Grandmother cooked for us, she bought two 2 lb bags of sprouts. One for my family of six, and one for me. No lie.

4. I am an amateur guitar-player with an obsession for buying guitars. I believe at this point, without making a roll-call, I have trimmed the collection down to about a dozen, and the joys of my collection are Jayne (a relatively cheap but sexy sounding Epiphone Les Paul Goldtop copy named after Jayne Mansfield the icon, because she is blonde with a big shapely bottom), and Jezebel (a Fender custom-shop Stratocaster in SO-CAL Custom Shop colours, named by my wife because she is the scarlet lady trying to lure me away from my wife all the time!!) Jezebel also has an illustrious and proven history (all documented on paper) …. she was once owned by one of my heroes, the mighty Joe Walsh of The Eagles.

JAYNE.

JEZEBEL.

5. I read books like a fat kid devours cake. I can read an 800-page novel in less than a day, and when The Times (posh British paper fyi) recently published a list of 100 books we should all have read, I’d already done about 80+ of them. I read everything from crime drama (Jeffery Deaver, Tess Gerritsen) and horror (Steven King, H.P. Lovecraft) to fantasy (every damn thing, including the Lord of the Rings ten times, and I don’t even skip the tricky bits).

6. I am an enormous music fan. ENORMOUS. I love that word. ENORMOUS. I constantly drive my wife mad by naming a song from the opening chord, kick-ass at pub quiz intro rounds, and my tastes are ridiculously diverse. I’m currently listening to Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band as I type, but it could have been anything from Billie Holiday to Lamb of God. From Tom Waits to Queen. From AC/DC to Hayseed Dixie. I just love music. If I had to be a chef in a kitchen without at least a radio, I’d knife someone.

7. I have had cause in the past to sign the British government’s Official Secrets Act. But I can’t tell you all why. Clue is in the title.

8. In my spare time, I’m a fire-eater. Yes, a real honest-to-god flame-spitting lunatic. Admittedly, if this is news to you, you’re obviously not reading my older articles. You can’t be bothered to look??? Ok, ok, it’s here. Honestly – slackers.

9. I once memorised a whole Shakespeare speech for my Theatrical Studies class, aged 15. Now, some twenty years later, I can still recall it word for word, and enjoy drunkenly screaming it on occasion at the top of my lungs. Man, do I know how to have a wild time. If you care, it’s Henry V, Act Three, Scene One – the battle of Harfleur. It starts from “Once more unto the breach, dear friends….” and ends at “….cry God for Harry, England and St. George!!!”

10. I’m over-generous to a fault. I am often mistaken for a doormat. By other doormats. I give change to beggars. I put money in busker’s hats. I donate to charity on a monthly basis. I would lend my good friend Jody £50 for a hooker, then explain to my wife why we had no groceries for a week. If Bex and I were ever to be pooing in adjoining cubicles, I would give her my last sheet of bog paper. Mainly because she has a much bigger ass.

Spreading the Love – 100% disease-free.

And so to the five bloggers I must choose to nominate for this award. Writers who have tickled my funny-bone, massaged my ego, and done highly inappropriate things to me in the laundry cupboard. Here follows a brief description of each – if you love bloggers as much as I do, please go and read a few things by each of these people – they’re on the list for a reason.

Jody Neil Ruth – I can’t NOT mention Jody. Without his legendary Facebook statuses, I would never have been curious about what this ‘blog’ thing he wrote was. Without that, there would be no Assassin. The glorious outlet of my writing would never have been discovered, and I would still be torturing cats to death slowly watching TV for entertainment. You saw above that I love H.P. Lovecraft?? Jody just became a published author with a short story in a book dedicated to Lovecraft. I’m wetting myself waiting to read it. He’s mid-writing on a zombie novel, is growing a moustache for Movember and is participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) where he is attempting to write 50,000 words in less than a month. Versatile blogger award?? Owned.

Wag The Dad – this guy is all kinds of different flavours of funny. Writing about real-life trials and tribulations of parenting and work, I first discovered him via a wonderful article on porn film titles including musicians names. (Still inordinately proud of Johnny Cash – The Man in Blacks). He was the first blogger to feature a submission of mine in one of his posts (albeit a VERY small one) and was kind enough to offer me some words of wisdom from a more seasoned veteran about my own blog. His blogging frequency and high standard of content put most of us amateur writers to shame. Shane, I salute you.

Radventures – This man, dear readers, was my first ever blog-worship moment. I hung off his every word, and genuinely got excited by emails about new posts from him. His post about explaining Snoop Dogg’s ‘Gin and Juice’ to his mother literally made me cry with laughter. All of which pales into comparison to the fact that he wrote a blog about ME!! Well, one of my comments to one of his frankly excellent posts, but it grew a life all of its own and led to the epic three-way worldwide rap battle comments section where I met a certain Becky Delport. But since this paragraph is about him, it would be churlish of me to include any kind of link to it here. Roy, the mad scientist behind Radventures, has been absent from the blogging world for a while but I spoke to him recently and discovered that this is not because the authorities caught up with him finally, but simply because of a high ‘real’ work load, and he plans a triumphant return soon. Second coming of Jesus Christ, get back to second place, Roy’s a-coming…..

Tazer: Warrior Princess – I love nothing more than randomness and eccentricity. Which is why I love Tazer so much. A cripplingly funny wench, her posts are not so much versatile as scattered all over the place like the remnants of a literary hand grenade. She has some great real-life pictures to accompany her (often wildly drunken) escapades, and is single-handedly responsible for circulating a picture of my wife’s breasts on the internet. She probably still owes me money for that somehow, but I’m too scared to ask her for it. It takes a special kind of woman to have a late-night conversation with you about the relative merits of uses for Rohypnol. The fact that both Becky and I nominated her for this award should tell you something. Even if that something is ‘Approach with caution. Do not get wet or feed after midnight.’

Poverty and Death – the woman who writes this blog became a firm friend of both my wife and I recently. We’ve chatted online via video-calling, and she is one very funny woman. Her main skill lies in being simultaneously scathing about the kind of dead-beat wannabe losers she ends up dating, and about herself for constantly falling for them. She writes, she raps, she falsely advertises on dating websites and posts their responses in a blog. I so wish I thought of that idea first. All of this she does whilst juggling being a single parent to autistic children, a super-mom domestic goddess, and a fount of juicy gossip about her ghetto neighbourhood. She’s relatively undiscovered at the moment, and like me is a total narcissistic whore for blog hits and comments, so please pop over and tell her I said hi.

Well, in closing I’d like to thank my manager and my agent, for being non-existent and therefore not raping my bank account, I’d like to genuinely thank my family – my parents, my sister Helen and my beautiful long-suffering wife Emily – for supporting me in this crazy hobby of mine, and all of you shiny happy people for continuing for some unfathomable reason to return and read my own stuff. I promise I’ll try to be at least half as funny as these guys as long as you want to keep reading. I’d like to finish by going back and thanking Bex one last time as well. For being cripplingly funny every single time she posts. For nominating me for this wonderful and gratefully received award. And for saving me the trouble of coming up with something to write about this morning. Fair Dinkum, Cobber.

The Assassin x

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By socialassassin

28 comments on “Holy Hand-Grenades Batman, it’s a Baffling Blogging Bonus…..

  1. Congratulations on your award, dahling! This turned my ghetto-licious day into a fabulicious one which is way better! If anyone deserves an award for a blog it would be you. Your extensive vocabulary alone should be awarded, as well as your ability to rip Americans apart with extra vowels!!!!

    And thank you for the nomination!!!!! I am tres flattered and it was a fuzzy, unexpected surprise. Like my fuzzy blankie I will be blogging about later, the nomination made me feel all warm and loved. 🙂 🙂

    Though I am 95% man-hater, you definitely fall into the 5% of real men and I am profoundly happy to have met you and your lovely wife and damn it, not ever having met the two of you I can say with confidence that you are two of my favorite people in the world.

    Lovey dovey you both,
    Margarita aka povertyanddeath because I live on the brink of both in the FRONT of a ghetto, in the middle of a round of drug busts known as Operation Fall Harvest, and in the back of the ugliest, dirtiest, most overpriced grocery store in town called the “Great American.” FML

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    • Praise where Praise is Due, as the old adage goes. I picture you having a replica of your award made in solid gold, and walking your block using it to smack down some bitches, or something. Along with your diamond-encrusted Queen of the Ghetto knuckle-duster you secretly found in a thrift store. And I’m not so much in the 5% of real men, as in the 5% honest enough to admit they can be an asshole 😉
      PS Next time you hit Great American, can you get me some of that wonderful cut-price out-of-date dairy you sent me the pictures of?? I need to get some of that ten day old yoghurt to poison a rival.

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      • LOL Well that would DEFINITELY be a good assassin’s weapon. You got it. And by the time it arrives to you it will be even more rancid. I’m just a ghetto fab bitch with a blogaholic itch….

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  2. Motherfucker I cried laughing at the my ass is bigger than your ass gona’ eat all your toilet paper up bizness. Too funny. And woah now, such glorious praise from your fine self gona make my already giant lady head explode all over my house. Seriously though, I have a big ass head. I can’t fit normal sized hats. Even the one size fits all kinds don’t fit my noggin. So essentially the hat makers lied to me. False advertising bitches!!!!

    P.s can you judo chop?

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    • Hell yes I can judo chop. Although I can think of at least three ways of striking with twice the force. . Although one of those is with a baseball bat, so technically cheating. Have you tried looking into those giant sombreros that they make donkey’s wear??? One of those should fit your wookie head. But seriously, thanks Bex. Without you lowering the general standards of good taste and respectablilty in the blogging community, half my stuff would never get publushed!!

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  3. Good for you. Well deserved. Since I discovered both you and Bex just a few short weeks ago, I was thinking, “damnit, those 2 need some awards for that brilliant shit, post haste!” And lookie here . . . my wish was granted!! Congrats for being recognized for your versatility and for all the funny. Keep bringing it, ok?

    Side note: I was offered one of these a few months back by my first ever fan when I was a very wee baby blogger, having no idea what I was doing yet, and I turned it down. I am dumb, no? I just had no idea what to even do with such a thing and felt ill-equipped to handle such accolades. Yes, I’ve decided. Dumb.

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    • Now I’m beginning to wonder if my blog award was delivered wholly by the power of your mind!! Way to be an omniprescent deity!! That is so cool. And thank you so much for the support, your blog is a fantastic one as well and had I known you were sans-rewards I would have given it to you instead. Ooo matron! Perhaps I should invent one and award it to you…….. let’s see…….. yes, Misty, inaugural recipient of the Social Assassin Foundation’s Award for best use of a non-solicited voyeurist camera picture in a blog. It looks a bit like an Oscar, but much bigger. Because if you look closely, what looks like an Oscar is in fact Nathan Fillion spray-painted gold and standing on a giant plinth of chocolate.

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      • I am humbled and honored to be the inaugural recipient of such a prestigious award. Although, I’m glad it is bigger than an Oscar, because with such a voluminous name such as “the Social Assassin Foundation’s Award for best use of a non-solicited voyeurist camera picture in a blog” I think we are gonna need a ton of space to write all that out on.

        Oh, and no worries, because I went and got me one of those Versatile thingies as well. 🙂 Tazer done hooked me up good, thanks to your presentation to her. So in a way, you are peripherally responsible for my subsequent infamy. So, thank you, Kevin!! Much love. 🙂

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        • So sorry, but the SAFAFBUOANSVCPIAB award is only available to bloggers with no other awards. Since you are now (quite rightly) a fully-fledged blog award winner, I have had no choice but to remove your nomination. Which is a shame, since you were the only nominee. I’m now left with a spare Fillion, and a huge bar of chocolate. Any suggestions??

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          • Nooooooo!!! You can’t take away my award, damnit!! It was created just for me and I earned it. Ok, not really, but it is not a nomination, but a full fledged award which was rightfully given to me. And who says you can’t have 2 awards? Where is is written in the rule book? I want to see this “alleged” rule right now! Just because you created this award yourself, doesn’t mean you can just take it away at your whim. Maybe I deserve 2 awards, did you ever consider that?

            I’m actually ok with not having Nathan, but I’ll take the chocolate. My friend, Jen, however, would love a large replica of her man-crush. However, based on your above (bogus!) rules, she also would be ineligible because she received TWO Versatile Blogger Awards today. Two. So, I guess you’re stuck with that Nathan all for yourself. See? Shouldn’t have taken it away from me, should you have? :p

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            • OK, ok, I know better than to argue with a lawyer. Pursuant to the 2011 Gifts, Trophies and Awards Miscellany Act, I hereby return the award to the plaintiff. To be fair, I have little use for Nathan, and Jen already got two awards so I’m sure she’ll be happy with those. No? Sigh – very well, she gets Fillion, you get the chocolate. They were only gathering dust in my vault anyway, next to the SocialAssassin Award for Women Who Never Argue (still unawarded).

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  4. Oh shit, now I went and did it. I waited a whole 3 days to come over here and figure out you’re awarded me. I may be a frequent and versatile blogger, but that frequency and versatility has unfortunately caused much sacrifice by way of friendly networking. And reading a lot of great stuff that I miss because I run out of time.

    That was my apology.

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. And since Misty also gave me the award, I will be posting a duo thingy for both of you today.

    I WAS going to write about how faking orgasm should be made unconstitutional, but that will have to wait until Friday.

    THANK YOU. Did I feature you before only in a small way?

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    • Hell, I’m not sure I want to wait that long for an orgasm!! I feel your pain too – how I EVER manage to post is beyond me after I’ve read all the other stuff, commented, made tea and other important jobs. The ‘featured in a small way’ thing was some of my suggestions making your pornstar list – small in the World of Wag (soon to outstrip World of Warcraft) but when you have two posts up and a readership of six, these things are mighty during the first tentative steps into blogland. Thanks for the boost, and for offering advice (which I admittedly largely ignored back then) when you didn’t have to. I require no apology from you, sir, just the promise that you’ll keep doing what you do, and keeping me, and many others, entertained 🙂

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    • What do you call a talentless guy who hangs around musicians all day??
      A drummer.

      Welcome Eva, if poorly-thought-out and badly delivered humour is your thing, you found a new home here. Make yourself comfortable – drinks and snacks are available from the kiosk, buy a large popcorn and get a side of sarcasm COMPLETELY FREE!!! (Offer subject to availability.) (We’ve run out.)

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  5. I am super stoked on your shit and honestly…. would have bestowed it upon you myself, but decided not to gift those that had been honoured (like how I did that?) already… But you make me shoot well, usually some sort of adult bev out my nose since I get your stuff in the eve. But love it all. Bra-vo sir (golf claps and acts snooty as if I were Btittish)

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    • Aw thank you pretty lady, you crack me up too. Please, though, save the reading for the following morning. I can live with waiting for praise, but at no point can I feel comfortable thinking I may have been indirectly responsible for the wastage of alcohol.

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  6. Kevin, much obliged for the praise from you, and thanks for the nomination. Congrats on your award, as you are most definitely the real deal.

    On a completely different note, that picture of your hands, if it’s not Photoshopped, is freakishly excellent. Your flexibility is admirable–you’re like Reed Richards without the skintight blue suit and the invisible wife. I mean, I’m pretty sure your wife is visible, since you referenced that nude photo of her making the rounds on the interwebs….

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    • My pleasure Roy – great to hear from you!! There is no photoshop involved I promise, merely an extra simian gene somewhere that led to mother nature making me appear half-man, half-gibbon. And my wife is most assuredly real – either that or my level of madness finally approaches your own!!

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