Reasons why a wife is better than a new car.

Hey there beautiful readers, the writer’s block has broken!!! Bourbon truly does have some remarkable properties. Here’s something for you all that occured to me today……

Everybody loves a new car. Or motorbike, or even mountain bike, scooter, space rocket….. whatever floats your boat. Hey yeah, or a new boat!! [Someone please buy me a boat, I miss my old one… 😦 …]. There’s something about the gleaming paint, the fresh smelling interior, the smooth running engine that brings a smile to the face as you think to yourself “Check me out in my shining new motor, the symbol of my financial stability and my success in life!! See how proudly I traverse the highways, head held high in my self-important bubble of new toy-ness!!”

On the other hand, not everyone loves a wife. Some men will tell you that their wife is the bane of their existence, constantly bemoaning their short-comings (sometimes literally!) or bitching about the housework not being done, the garage not being tidied, when are you going to put those new shelves up like you promised, and so on… Well here’s today’s news flash for ya, men of the world, especially for those of you preening over a new car – a wife has a new car beaten every which way but loose. And I’ll explain to you why (because otherwise this post would be a bit pointless).

Endurance and Reliability – let’s face it, we’ve all had vehicles that have simply died on us, and gone to the great scrapyard in the sky without so much as a fuck you. Engines seize, bulbs blow, electrics catch fire while you’re doing 100 mph along the motorway (or maybe that last one was just me) and all manner of other small seemingly innocuous parts that seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things suddenly fall off and render your expensive transport bloody useless until expensive repairs are completed. A wife, on the other hand, contrary to the opinion of many men requires no assistance from a MAN to sort her out, she motors on just fine without you, thanks very much. And while you will find that a wife will most certainly require a good servicing a damn sight more often than once every ten thousand miles, she will not cost you half a months salary to complete the servicing. Except in some high maintainance cases. Nor does the failure of one small part render a wife useless. While you are laid in bed with ‘man-flu’, a wife can manage two children, shop, organise food for you, do the school run and solve world peace with one arm missing and her ankles tied together.

Depreciation and ‘Re-sale’ value – Your shiny new motor just cost you enough money to feed an African village for six months, and the optional A/C and MP3 player was an extra 75 gazillion bucks on top. Guess what? In five years time, it will be worth less than the flugelbinders (google it, bitches) on your shoes. Falling market values, the seven thousand other newer models released since yours and even the rise of alternative fuel sources mean that your expensive new toy will eventually become equal in value to an underwater hairdryer. Soon you will own the world’s most expensive out-sized paperweight and begin to wonder why you ever thought the money was a good investment. Your wife, meanwhile, will age far slower and less noticeably, so that when your car reaches obsolete-ness she will still be good for another few decades of reliable service, still move in both directions without ten minutes of trying to change her gears, and will still possess most if not all of her original features in good working order. Far more importantly, whilst your car is now worthless and no-one will want to buy it from you, your wife is still a prime specimen of her line which may well be the precise thing some-one out there on the ‘second-hand’ market might be looking for. Beware of under-valuing a good wife, my friends, because one day you will come home planning to pop her hood and check her plugs before taking her out for a once-around-the-block only to find someone else has been pumping her crutch clutch.

Adaptability and Optional Extras – So you bought a brand new Porsche Boxster did you, because it looks sleek and sexy, because Hank Moody in Californication looked such a motherfucking bad-ass in one, and because it helps compensate for the fact that you now can’t see your penis without a mirror? Poor move, dumbass. What happens when you need to mount a curbstone to park off-road? Or when you need to drive 200 miles over rocky dirt tracks to rescue your children from a sexually deviant summer camp ranger?? Or when you need to bring home enough groceries to feed your family on more than Oreo’s and chips for the next week? OK, so you bought an SUV instead did ya?? So what will you do when you need to park in a tight spot or drive under a parking barrier??? How cool do you think you’ll look cruising the Strip for stoned wannabe-actresses when you look like you borrowed your mum’s car??? Sadly, most vehicles have a finite range of uses, and are suited to some activities, but seldom all of them. But a wife meanwhile is more adaptable than one of those Swiss Army knives that includes a device for de-stoning a horse’s hooves and enough screwdrivers to single-handedly dismantle an Aircraft Carrier. She laughs in the face of adversity (she married you didn’t she???) and can and will adapt to pretty much any situation you throw at her without breaking a sweat. And while your optional extras on the car were limited to the a slightly smarter stereo, and maybe some walnut trim, a wife is a human being and capable of learning and adopting a whole range of new skills and tricks, yes even that slightly dodgy thing you like in bed involving an egg whisk and a head of broccoli, in next to no time. Optional extras normally cost a fortune too, whereas new wife skills will seldom cost you more than a well-placed compliment. Or at most, some Christian Louboutins. [Men, if you have no idea what these are, you’re lagging behind the rest of the class. Kindly catch up before you make our species redundant.]

Decoration and Customisation – Gosh, isn’t the paint work on your car so shiny and exciting and new??!! Yes, for about point oh-six of a second, until a passing bird craps right on the windshield, or some half-blind grandmother at the shopping mall broadsides you in her VW Beetle. Time and weather will dull its paint, crack and wear the interiors and dull its shine, and whilst a car wash will keep the demons of aging away for a while, eventually your car will look tired and worn. At this point, or even sooner if you are a sad teenager with nothing to do but illegally street-race your Vauxhall Nova, you may think of customising your car with new parts and paint jobs. These are all, invariably, sodding expensive. And unless you’re undergoing the mammoth expense of a complete re-spray and wax at the same time, all your new parts will achieve is to make the bits you HAVEN’T modified stick out like a sore thumb. You can dress a crack whore in Tiffany diamonds and Versace, but she still looks like she might stab you and steal your wallet. Or to quote my father, a man of many outstanding pearls of wisdom, “you can’t polish a turd”. By comparison, your wife can change both her attitude and appearance in mere minutes. She can be the legendary wife in public, mother in the kitchen and whore in the bedroom in the space of one hour, simply by using some well placed (or indeed, well removed) items of clothing and a little make-up. And whilst it may seem to many husbands that these things cost more than a new car would, the benefit is that the more stuff your wife owns, the more adaptable she becomes. She can appear demure and respectable when you bring the boss home, stern and in control when your parents visit, and as for the bedroom – use your imaginations, you sick sick puppies. Best of all, unlike your car the wife does all her own customisation, increasing your beer-drinking time and avoiding you getting up to the wrists in oil. Depending on your kinks.

Actual Usefulness and Long-term Durability – So on the surface of it, the car seems a worthwhile investment in terms of being a very useful possession. It enables us to travel outside the range of our two left feet, get to work on time, pick the kids up from school/parties/jail, bring home the shopping/dogs/hookers and a whole range of other wonderful travel-based activities. And on top of that you get those precious golden moments when you are alone and the road is open before you, the wind blowing in your hair (really must get round to replacing that driver’s side window) and you feel alive, powerful and FREE….  But as we’ve mentioned before readers, all this lasts only as long as the mechanical work you had done at Honest Buck’s Cut’n’Shut Auto Graveyard lasts, before the alternator falls off and blows out the offside rear tyre and sending you swerving to a fiery ball of death. This actually happened to my Dad. Except the fiery death bit, he just had to pull over wheel-less and wait for help. Still pretty scary though. Anyway the upshot of all this is that no matter how useful a car is, it continues to cost you endlessly while you own it, whether in parts or petrol or expensive toys. And it repays you by eventually dying on you, or being sold on at a loss. So its use versus durability argument is entirely dependant on your choice of just how affordable an expense it is. But your wife????????

Your wife wins the argument every time my friends. The only time ‘owning’ a wife will end in a fiery ball of death for you is if you forget your anniversary. Your wife may not like it much, but she can also pick up the kids from school/parties/jail, bring home the shopping and the dogs and fetch and carry all manner of things, and will probably do all of these in the time it takes you to have the legendary ‘couple’ of beer after work. The longer she is around the more valuable she becomes, the more reliable she gets to you, and the more beautiful she appears in your eyes. And long after any car would have packed up and blown a gasket under your heavy foot, she will reliably be there for you, carrying our lazy ass. Plus she has the benefit of also being capable of being fitted with new expensive modifications.

Thanks for reading today folks. Todays post was brought to you by my love for my wife. An amazing woman who thankfully had one moment of extremely poor judgement, and married me, and is still carrying my lazy ass today. Thankfully she only had one previous owner, who despite being a total asshatted fuckwit at least managed to leave her unscratched, and in running order. She is not perfect, because no-one is, but she comes bloody close. She’s funny, smart, sensitive and caring and I give thanks for each and every day that I get to spend with her. In fact, she’s such an amazing woman that………. I don’t own a car.

Love you Emily xxx

 

PS: Comments time darlings!! Have any of you ever owned a really shit car, or spent a ridiculously unjustifiable amount of money on restoring/modifying one?? Have you had a terrible car wreck??? Or a terrible car wreck of a wife, even?? Motoring and marriage related stories and shenanigans, share ’em if you got ’em…… 🙂

The Assassin.