Writer’s Block Can Suck My … Nope, Forgot Again…..


I’ve been kind of lazy lately when it’s come to writing time,

So this next post, I’ve randomly decided, is in rhyme,

Not for any reason, just because I bloody can,

I’m often THAT kind of stubborn, irrational (typical) man,

I always found it easy to pick out the words that match,

And during my teenage years went through the tortured poetry patch,

Wrote lyrics for bad singers and limericks for bad drinking,

I enjoy a little wordplay and the fact it helps my thinking,

My lounge, today.....

But today I hit ‘THE WRITERS BLOCK’ like I never saw it coming,

On the street of clever writing, I’ve been in the gutter slumming.

I had a really clever post but couldn’t force  the words to shape,

I was going to smash it like Superman, but lost my friggin’ cape,

So just sat here staring at the screen waiting for some inspiration,

My focus was sharper than glass but gained me nought but perspiration,

Where was my normal sarcastic eye, my sharp-edged scathing humour??

Had all the comments and love from you guys just been flannel and false rumour?

It's like this, but with a MUCH bigger hammer.

Many of you reading this are writers too yourselves,

With stacks of funny ideas stacked up on your mental shelves,

I pray the dreaded BLOCK stays clear of you next time that you write,

Because it sucks balls to sit for hours coming up with nothing but pure shite,

So I did what any self-respecting writer does to show his mettle,

I got up, swore, kicked things, swore more and then went and boiled the kettle,

And scrapped my idea for another day and wrote this rhyme instead,

Which is more an update on my life than a post from inside my sick head,

Writer At Work

So what’s up with me? Well it’s been a good few weeks,

And despite my writer’s block my ego had a few good tweaks,

Won myself a little pressie from my friend Bex’s competition,

I love Becky like a pervert loves a pantie-raiding mission,

She’s funny smart and sassy, plays guitar and sings and stuff,

She hates a lot of people and has issues with her itchy muff,

And is a shining example of everything New Zealand bring to the human species:

Swearing, fighting, drinking, rugby, shagging, piss and faeces,

Dear God, don't let my children see this...

And while we’re talking about women who demonstrate blogging success,

Let me holler at my home girl, Tazer: Warrior Princess,

Who has a SPORK obsession and absconds with other’s plants,

And generally gets up to tomfoolery that makes me wet my pants,

So when she called for sporky pictures I sent her a selection,

Thinking she could best choose which one suited her submissions section,

And she posted every one of them, I felt like head of the class,

Tazer, love, you’re awesome, you officially kick ass!!

And I’ve split my sides at JODY, who’s the one who got me started writing,

I just do this for the kicks but he’s an author truly fighting,

To live the dream and see the book he’s writing freshly printed,

And start bringing in the cash to keep him permanently minted,

And now he’s one step closer to affording the Hugh Hefner look,

He’s only gone and got a short story published in an actual bloody book!!

Hat’s off to you, it’s no more than you deserve for all your work so far,

Just remember we’ve always been friends when I next see you at the bar,

And to all my lovely readers, oh how you make me smile,

With your comments and observations keeping me going all the while,

I apologise that this became a ramble rather than a post,

I may have given very little today but I promise I’m trying my most,

I’ve another day off tomorrow, hopefully writer’s block is gone,

If there’s an iota of a chance to write a post tomorrow bitch it’s on,

In the meantime brace yourselves, this may cause a little shock,

To tide you over for now, here’s some pussy and some cock….

By the way, for those of you not following my Facebook page (shame be upon thee), there’s a little give-away of some free crap that’s cluttering up my house a very special one off prize to the person who sends me a photo/screen capture of my 2500th hit on the blog. If you miss 2500 exactly, closest wins. In the event of a draw… I have no contingency plan!! Good Luck!! Submissions to socialassassin@hotmail.co.uk

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23 comments on “Writer’s Block Can Suck My … Nope, Forgot Again…..

  1. The giant black cock left me speechless, and that is a rare, rare thing indeed. Might I also add, any man who can adequately rhyme species with feces (yeah, I spell it like a Yank) is a force to be reckoned with. Writer’s block is a bitch. . .you’ll get your mojo back.

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      • And a superb status it was 🙂

        And thanks for the kind words, Kev. Hey, did you ever watch Californication? It appears they’ve already made a series about my life…

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        • Yes Jody I love that series – whilst the series does appear to have an amazing number of parallels to your own life I’ve yet to see you driving around in a Porsche or partying in Miami though. Perhaps in a similar way to the Americans re-making ‘The Office’ with a diferent cast and feel, we could do a low budget version …. Rydeifornication??? Substitute the Porsche for a beaten up old minibus with a missing door, and the lavish Miami pool parties for a four pack of Stella on Appley Beach, and we’re there. Fame and fortune await us…… well, you anyway.

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  2. I’m sold on ‘Rydeiforication’. Count me in. I have a teenage daughter who tells me too much and is the love/bane of my existence.

    Plus I fuck anything that moves.

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    • From a father’s perspective ANY information from your daughter is too much information – they’ll be virgins until the age of 30 thank you very much. Or mine will anyway, I’m twice the size of any prospective beau. That said, I bet you’ve afforded her some priceless cringing moments with your public declarations of wrongness on Facebook – do her friends refer to her as ‘you know, the pervert’s daughter….’??

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  3. That is some fine poetry my friend. I was always so jealous of those who could really rhyme it up. I have never had that skill.

    And actually, the pussy one made me laugh out loud. Too funny.

    Hope your block is gone soon. I too have suffered from complete and utter lack of creativity and staring at that blank page/screen. Sucks the big one. Good luck!

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    • Thanks Misty. Fortunately I still have all you other bloggers out there to keep me going until my brain wakes up – I think like Shane I’ve got S.A.D. – Seasonal Absolutelynothingtowriteabout Disease.

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  4. You are one sick mofo. I like that in a person. I especially like Piss and Shit Everywhere. You made me laugh. Not out loud mind you, but don’t take that personally, because only midgets and porn make me laugh out loud. And besides, there’s just way too much of this laughing out loud business going on nowadays, isn’t there?

    And with all of that writer’s block, you still seem to be able to bust quite the rhyme.

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    • Thanks Shane, I think I’ll take that as a compliment?? And I sincerely hope your love of ‘shit and piss everywhere’ refers to the picture, not a lifestyle choice. As for the rhyming it’s just something I always found easy .. perhaps it’s my idiot savant skill. Heaven knows I’ve got the idiot bit down to fine art already.

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    • You could be on to something there you know. Perhaps I should get Mrs Assassin to refuse to put out until I’ve successfully written a post? That way, I reckon I could knock one out in no time fnar fnar………

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  5. Aaahhhhh yes your writer’s block is FAR more amusing than mine! 😉 And as soon as I met Chloe Ruth I thought of Californication. I love that sexy bad boy guy. This post had everything a good blog entry should: Rhyming, pussy, itchy vaginas, presents, hammers, superman, and a big cock. Well done, I loved it!

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  6. “Hat’s off to you, it’s no more than you deserve for all your work so far,

    Just remember we’ve always been friends when I next see you at the bar”

    – This made me actually laugh out loud.

    Nice post mate – I’m definitely going to have get me a blog where I do more than post very occasional porn*cough* Erotica. lol 😛

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    • Honestly Adam, its the best fun I’ve had in years writing this shit. And for the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with occasional porn. Unless the occasion is a funeral.

      Like

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