Welcome back beloved readers, and Steven Seagal fans still desperately trying to find my home address, and welcome to another blog. Today, I’d like to briefly touch upon a subject dear to my heart – social camouflage. What, I can hear you muttering, is social camouflage?? Well, here’s an example. Today while in town I strolled into a pharmacist to see if they had any condoms in ‘Liar’ size, and during my visit of three minutes was bashed in the ankles four separate times by the same woman pushing her child in a pram. Now, don’t get your Mothercare knickers in a twist girls, I really do appreciate how difficult it is to navigate what is essentially a skip on wheels, but it wasn’t until the fourth occasion she apologised for trying to hobble me at the ankles like that bitch from ‘Misery’.
When she apologised with her half-hearted “sorry.” I turned to her and said…. “No problem love, I’m sure it’s difficult for you.” When what I really meant was “Let’s see how hard it is to steer that thing accurately when it’s shoved straight up your seemingly never-ending arse-crack you fucking fat bitch.” See, classic case of social camouflage right there – disguising your real feelings behind a meaningless platitude. We all do it. You’ve done it. I’ve done it. And we’ll all do it again. And the great thing about camouflage is that it’s job is to conceal – she looked at me as though I was the Holy Grail, a man who sympathises with the hardships of parenthood. Instead of a homicidal lunatic who was imagining her struggling to free herself from a giant roll of barbed wire.
But when I got home I was suddenly struck by a thought – how often do people use social camouflage on me??? Am I just as guilty of being oblivious to others real meanings when they talk to me? When my boss says to me “That’s a great idea, we’ll implement that straight away!”, does he mean “Thanks douchebag, you just made more work for me. I wish I had a valid excuse for firing you.”? Here, then, are some examples of prime camouflage usage I’ve witnessed recently, and their real-life definitions to help you navigate the conversational minefield:-
Have a Nice Day!! ~ You wanker. Fuck off and die.
OMG, your child is sooooo cute ~ Holy Jesus woman, did you copulate with a bulldog??
I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you ~ Friends like you remind me how much better a human being I am compared to you blood-sucking leeches.
I love your blogging style, you make me laugh so hard! ~ Everything I just read is pure toss. Do you get this shit from cereal packets?
That is SUCH an insightful way of looking at things ~ Way to catch up to the rest of the pack, asshole. Have a cookie.
Your new haircut looks amazing!! ~ Is that dead terrier going to fall off, or did you staple gun it to your skull?
You’ve lost loads of weight!! You look great! ~ You’re still a fat bitch. You’ve just reduced your gravitational pull slightly.
A table of twenty, sir? Let me see if I can seat you… ~ Seriously? Who goes out to eat as a party of twenty and doesn’t book a table??? Hold on asswipe, I’ll see if I can squeeze a couple of tables next to the toilets, where shits like you belong.
It was no problem! ~ It was a major problem.
You take care now!! ~ Go and play blindfolded in a road.
Your new boyfriend seems like a lovely guy. ~ He has a body odour problem, the social graces of a rabid skunk, and looks like a paedophile.
Your team played well, I thought they deserved a better result. ~ YES!! YES!! EAT SHIT AND DIE LOSERS!!!
I thought your band covered that song really well, it was like listening to the original!! ~ That sucked more balls than a back-street hooker. The original artists are turning in their heroin-overdose induced graves you talentless fuck.
That was amazing sex. I’ve never had an orgasm like it. ~ I will never call you again. I’d rather hump a bit of splintered balsa wood.
Hopefully this gives some of you an insight into how people are misleading you when they talk to you. If any of you have insights into occasions where others have used social camouflage on you, or indeed you have used it on others, I’d love to hear from you all. Also some of you will be aware if you follow my Facebook page (and if not, do so now bitches!!) that an imminent blog will be entitled “The Assassin’s Advice” and will be taking the form of an agony aunt/uncle column. If you have any dilemmas you need addressed this is your last chance to send them to email@example.com. Catch you on the flip side dudes and dudettes. 🙂