Social Camouflage – a user’s guide.

Welcome back beloved readers, and Steven Seagal fans still desperately trying to find my home address, and welcome to another blog. Today, I’d like to briefly touch upon a subject dear to my heart – social camouflage. What, I can hear you muttering, is social camouflage?? Well, here’s an example. Today while in town I strolled into a pharmacist to see if they had any condoms in ‘Liar’ size, and during my visit of three minutes was bashed in the ankles four separate times by the same woman pushing her child in a pram. Now, don’t get your Mothercare knickers in a twist girls, I really do appreciate how difficult it is to navigate what is essentially a skip on wheels, but it wasn’t until the fourth occasion she apologised for trying to hobble me at the ankles like that bitch from ‘Misery’.

Pram insertion occurs seconds later.....

When she apologised with her half-hearted “sorry.” I turned to her and said…. “No problem love, I’m sure it’s difficult for you.” When what I really meant was “Let’s see how hard it is to steer that thing accurately when it’s shoved straight up your seemingly never-ending arse-crack you fucking fat bitch.” See, classic case of social camouflage right there – disguising your real feelings behind a meaningless platitude. We all do it. You’ve done it. I’ve done it. And we’ll all do it again. And the great thing about camouflage is that it’s job is to conceal – she looked at me as though I was the Holy Grail, a man who sympathises with the hardships of parenthood. Instead of a homicidal lunatic who was imagining her struggling to free herself from a giant roll of barbed wire.

Stay still. He'll never know we hate him.

But when I got home I was suddenly struck by a thought – how often do people use social camouflage on me??? Am I just as guilty of being oblivious to others real meanings when they talk to me? When my boss says to me “That’s a great idea, we’ll implement that straight away!”, does he mean “Thanks douchebag, you just made more work for me. I wish I had a valid excuse for firing you.”? Here, then, are some examples of prime camouflage usage I’ve witnessed recently, and their real-life definitions to help you navigate the conversational minefield:-

Have a Nice Day!! ~ You wanker. Fuck off and die.

OMG, your child is sooooo cute ~ Holy Jesus woman, did you copulate with a bulldog??

I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you ~ Friends like you remind me how much better a human being I am compared to you blood-sucking leeches.

I love your blogging style, you make me laugh so hard! ~ Everything I just read is pure toss. Do you get this shit from cereal packets?

That is SUCH an insightful way of looking at things ~ Way to catch up to the rest of the pack, asshole. Have a cookie.

Your new haircut looks amazing!! ~ Is that dead terrier going to fall off, or did you staple gun it to your skull?

You’ve lost loads of weight!! You look great! ~ You’re still a fat bitch. You’ve just reduced your gravitational pull slightly.

A table of twenty, sir? Let me see if I can seat you… ~ Seriously? Who goes out to eat as a party of twenty and doesn’t book a table??? Hold on asswipe, I’ll see if I can squeeze a couple of tables next to the toilets, where shits like you belong.

It was no problem! ~ It was a major problem.

You take care now!! ~ Go and play blindfolded in a road.

Your new boyfriend seems like a lovely guy. ~ He has a body odour problem, the social graces of a rabid skunk, and looks like a paedophile.

Your team played well, I thought they deserved a better result. ~ YES!! YES!! EAT SHIT AND DIE LOSERS!!!

I thought your band covered that song really well, it was like listening to the original!! ~ That sucked more balls than a back-street hooker. The original artists are turning in their heroin-overdose induced graves you talentless fuck.

That was amazing sex. I’ve never had an orgasm like it. ~ I will never call you again. I’d rather hump a bit of splintered balsa wood.

Hopefully this gives some of you an insight into how people are misleading you when they talk to you. If any of you have insights into occasions where others have used social camouflage on you, or indeed you have used it on others, I’d love to hear from you all. Also some of you will be aware if you follow my Facebook page (and if not, do so now bitches!!) that an imminent blog will be entitled “The Assassin’s Advice” and will be taking the form of an agony aunt/uncle column. If you have any dilemmas you need addressed this is your last chance to send them to Catch you on the flip side dudes and dudettes. 🙂


18 comments on “Social Camouflage – a user’s guide.

  1. AHAHAHA!!! I wish I could say I loved this blog and you make me laugh, but I don’t want you to mistake it as camouflage!
    “way to catch up to the rest of the pack, asshole…” <— LMAO!!! seriously, I've totally used that one. I have also VERY VERY OFTEN used the "it was no problem!" I have so many people coming over to ask me for favors or how-to instructions and they always say, thank you and I ALWAYS SAY, "nooooooooooo problemmm" and yes: it is always an inconvenience, time consuming and yeah: a fucking major problem. And oddly, my next blog is going to be titled, "Eat Shit and Die."
    Social camo is necessary, though, wouldn't you say? My latest blog addresses the people that ignorantly say inappropriate things to strangers. THESE people are too stupid to know HOW to camouflage and need to attend some sort of seminar. Because to refer back to one of my favorite cliches, ignorance IS bliss and I don't want to hear what every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks.
    Popular social camo question: "How are you?" this translates to, "I don't give a fuck how you are, I'm just being polite." Do Brits say this to EVERYONE like Americans do? We ALWAYS follow up "hi" with "how are you?" And the response is ALWAYS supposed to be "good, how are you?" It's turned into a mindless habit…


  2. Yes Margarita, we brits love to be overly polite about everything. For example – “I’m terribly sorry about stabbing you in the neck old bean, but your views on the trade union situation were simply preposterous.” We are the Zen Masters of social camouflage … ninja’s post guards to watch out for us.


  3. Ok.
    So from what i can understand, people sugar coat harsh sentiments with watered down platitudes?

    Which makes me wonder: What do they mean when they say to me: “oi, you fat ginger twat, fuck off, I’m sick of looking at you.)?

    I’m guessing it’s not good.


  4. Oh, and i love your blog.

    It’s really well written.

    I like it as much as you like my music which, from the feedback you give me, is quite a lot.


    • Cheers, kingdingaling my old chum, and lets hope your reply contained only a little camouflage. And yes, for the public record let me state now that you do make exceedingly good music – perhaps one day we shall make sweet music together. By the way I thought the criticism you cited above was most unjust – you’re not ginger.


  5. This is awesome Kev. And I actually mean it. I know too well what it feels like to not say what I really want to say to people all the fucking time. Why you ask, because I do this all day long. The problem I have is, if I really let rip, I would lose my job. Because majority of the people I want to fuck slap to death are taxi drivers & the people who travel in them.

    I think holding all my true verbal rage in is actually starting to kill me though. What does a bitch do? Be selective? Or be blatantly honest with a massive side of asshole. The asshole gene is strong in me mate.


    • Unfortunately mate, service industry personel like us need to be goddamn Shaolin Masters of social camouflage … tempting as the blatant honesty is, one must temper this with the sad knowledge that as you point out your job depends on your ability to lie convincingly. My darling wife works in a call centre fielding calls to our local council, and deals with fuckwittery on such a massive scale I doubt I could keep her job for more than a minute. At least as a chef I can hide in the kitchen and swear to my hearts content – for you it must be like walking on hot coals keeping your mouth shut every day. Thank God then for our blogs, where we can at least point out to the internet if not to our customers that most of them are, without doubt, the biggest waste of semen since BAYWATCH left our tv screens.


  6. Exactly. I would LOVE to go a day, and just let it all out. But, thats what the handy “retort and block” is for. And yes, the polite convo is mindkill. Just get to the important shit, I have no time to waste. I personally go with the “if you can’t say something nice(truthfully)don’t say anything at all” mantra, which is why most people must view me a a very quiet, stuck up bitch. Or, socially camoflauged, “shy”. My blog is my inner verbal assault therapy. But, loved it, and posting it to my facebook, so maybe you can educate a few Americans on how to use it appropriatly and when it is occurring.


    • Many thanks for the support ‘Schetti, and keep up the good work with your own blog… it makes for a most informing read, and above all else as you rightly point out it is SUCH good therapy. If you can’t say something nice..say something online!!!!!


  7. After reading your post on Tazer’s blog, you may well be my new favorite person.

    I had twins, so God knows I could have shoved one of those SUV-sized, side-by-side, steel-enforced, HumVee jog strollers into the kneecaps of every motherfucker in town, but regrettably I have a soul, so I politely declined. Even though I am a breeder, I still cringe every time I see one of these Alpha Moms with their yoga pants and Bluetooth headsets careening at me at breakneck speed with their babywagons. aimed directly at your shins. Hooray! You gave birth! That now entitles you to be the biggest asshole on the planet! Not so much, Babe.


    • Aw shucks, many thanks Jen. I see the yoga pants/bluetooth fashion phenomenon is universal both sides of the Atlantic – may god have mercy on us all!! And may I just state for the record that although lack of appreciation for simple chivalry makes me want to launch myself at these women like an over-zealous WWE wrestler and cave their skulls in with a bottle of Ex-Lax, the women who do smile and are taken aback that the world still holds a few true gentlemen make it all right again. Kudos to you for resisting the temptation to follow the rest of the sheep!….


    • More praise from the Godfather of Grot himself. I’m not sure I’m worthy of the praise … but sod it, I’ll take it. BTW Ruth, where’s your submission for the Assassin’s Advice Column?? It’s being written thurs/fri so get your arse off that young girl and into gear – either email, or PM me on Facebook. In return I will reward you with a mention in dispatches, a link to your blog, and a handjob wearing a pair of Marigolds.


      • I’m kinda wondering if you haven’t connected my above sentence with that of your own in the above blog…………………………?

        My question? Oh, I’ve got a fucking dozy for you. Shall email you it now…

        PS – you have got to keep my fucking name out of it, too.


  8. Dear God, I just read Jody’s question readers. I’m not sure if even I can solve this one – still, I doubt I could cause more harm with my advice either. Intrigued?? Better pop back in a few days when the article goes live then……


  9. “to see if they had any condoms in “Liar” size . . . ” <——- That? Fucking hilarious. I actually went right past it and doubled back and started giggling for a full couple minutes. But I'm 12, apparently.

    I've been in the grocery store where they have these fully SUV size shopping carts/race cars for multiple kids to "drive." Have you see these things or are these solely U.S. bullshit? Those things hardly fit down the aisles, yet a person is supposed to fit their darling tots inside and move it through the store while picking up groceries. When I see one of those things coming at me, I immediately turn and flee in the other direction. That thing is waiting for a bloody 4 cart pile up at any time. Who thought making a house size cart for the grocery store was a brilliant idea? Twats.


    • Thanks Misty … I think the massive shopping cart thing must be an American phenomenon, English shops are too cute and twee to support such a behemoth. However this also means that an ordinary pram becomes suddenly large enough to inspire the same kind of Aisle-Fear you describe. I’m sensing a lot of rage in you, and would like to advise you that social camouflage is the ideal solution for you… Does the SUV cart-driving skank make you want to stab her in the uterus with a javelin?? Then tell her it was a pleasure to meet her, and you hope she has a nice day, then walk away smiling to yourself as the irony flies right by her and you insult her without her realising…………… 🙂


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