Bear with me today readers, while I vent my spleen over one of those little things that produce an irrational amount of anger and hatred in us. Step forward Steven Seagal.
There are few things that really twist my shit, but by god, this man is one of them. I’m not talking about the ‘smelly drooling twat who always wants to talk to you on the train’ kind of annoying, or the ‘guy who just stole your parking space at the supermarket’ kind of annoying, or even the ‘finding out your best friend is the one who told all the girls at work you were gay’ kind of annoying. I’m talking about the OH-MY-FREAKING-GOD-ITS-LIKE-NAILS-DOWN-A-BLACKBOARD-I-WANT-TO-STAB-YOU-IN-THE-EYE-WITH-A-BIRO-AND-PISS-ON-YOUR-CORPSE kind of annoying.
If you Google Steven Seagal and click on any of the links, especially the articles where there are discussion boards, you will immediately see that I am not alone in being frustrated and irritated by this ridiculous fuckpuppet. Simultaneously he is a martial artist, a film star, a dojo owner, a philanthropist, a guitarist and an ass-kicking deputy sheriff. In others words, greedy.
One of the biggest challenges I face when I’m trying to convey to you here just how much I detest this guy is forming a coherent argument as to WHY I hate him so much. On the surface of things, every attribute listed above is, sadly, true.
Seagal is a 7th Dan Aikido master, and to those of you who don’t follow/understand martial arts this basically means that he’s one step below God in the toughness stakes. A veritable master of his discipline, at a level only achieved by impressing the hell out of other equally hard-as-nails mofo’s. He was the first westerner to gain permission to open an Aikido dojo (school) in Japan, and has both trained with, and been involved in the training of, some of the world’s top martial artists. He has been seen very recently involved in the training of UFC fighters Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida. He has starred in several worldwide movies and many other slightly successful films, and the martial arts he displays on-screen are the real deal, not some hollywood actor playing make-believe. He has been publicly involved in aiding several charities over the years, especially environmental and animal rights issues, and is an outspoken supporter of the Dalai Lama and the Tibetan independence movement. And whilst I simply cannot (no matter how hard I try) force myself to listen to him play guitar, reviews I’ve seen claim he’s nothing special, but at least is competent enough to be listenable. And his involvement with law enforcement in America has been widely publicised through his TV series Steven Seagal:Lawman.
So generally speaking the guy is a real honest-to-god modern day hero and all-round good guy. How could I possibly find myself thinking nasty thoughts about this man??? Simple. Read the title of the article you’ve clicked on. The guy is a douche.
Nobody on the face of this planet is that slick. Not even me. And I’m pretty damn slick, thank you very much. Call me a cynic (No, go on, you’re right) but would the fact that Seagal’s first wife was the daughter of one of Aikido’s foremost masters, and owner of one of Japan’s biggest dojo’s, have had anything to do with his miraculous welcome into the martial arts world?? And yes, ok, I can’t argue with his martial arts ability, but he did once slag off Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris, earning him an open challenge from a group of the world’s hardest men calling themselves the Dirty Dozen. He never accepted the challenge from any of them, and has NEVER competed in any tournament or competition scenario.
And the films. Yes, I can see why to teenage boys who still wet-dream about kicking the shit out of the bully at school in front of the girls his all-action tough guy movies appeal. I even watched one or two myself, and used to be quite fond of Under Seige. (Damn that sentence was hard to type. Kind of like how confession in church must feel, I imagine.) But looked at with the eyes of a rational human being as films, they more-or-less all suck. Big time. To illustrate my point, please enjoy this cut out and keep guide to Seagal’s acting talent >>>
The action may be real, but his films make excessive use of cut-away shots and repeated multi-angle camera tomfoolery, and he has a reputation on set of being needlessly harsh on stuntmen he works with, enjoying humiliating them and on several occasions injuring them. Also, not that Hollywood or Seagal seem to give a fuck, but I always understood that the basic principles of Aikido focus on the neutralising of an opponent using the least amount of force necessary. Doubtless Sensei Seagal has some explanation for how his on-screen persona’s reputation for neck breaking and arm-shattering fits into this philosophy….
Charities. Meh. What can I really say against that – fair play, he gives money to charity and raises awareness of important issues. Possibly to offset the guilt that he (allegedly) battered his wife. And yes, yes, Seagal fans, before you get your Lawman souvenir thongs in a twist I know he was never officially charged with the offence – presumably Kelly LeBrock also faked the pictures that appeared on the internet briefly afterwards (don’t bother looking readers, there are references by people who saw them but the images have long since been removed). And what a touching note that their third child was named Arissa after the family nanny who had been with them for years….presumably because Seagal was knocking her off on the side and later moved in with her and had another child with her. So go ahead and personally fight the Chinese for Tibet one by one Steven… you can’t buy a soul.
And Lawman? Don’t get me started. No, really don’t. I could make that a whole other blog. Except I won’t ever mention this jumped up egomaniac again. Ever. Love him or hate him (HATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIM) Seagal is one of those characters who divides people’s emotions. What really bothers me, however, is the way he’s portrayed to us as the next freakin’ Messiah. In England at the moment, 5US (one of our satellite channels bringing us the finest in American television – from three years ago) is running a series of Seagal films followed by episodes of Steven Seagal:Lawman. The tag phrase at the end of the advert shows a police badge with Seagal’s emotionless mug on bearing the slogan “In Seagal We Trust”. No. No, we do not. We, or at least I, do not trust this poker-faced charlatan as far as we can spit with our lips sewn together and a paper bag over our heads. He is not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy. Yet he revels in portraying himself as some kind of all-knowing cosmic guru with super-powers and a heart of gold.
Sometimes in life, it can be hard to rationalise how much some people just seem to bug the shit out of us. It might be your boss, your neighbour, your gran and her scary lady-beard. There’s no reasonable justification for why you feel this rage, you just do. Steven Seagal does this to me. The fact that he is still drawing breath is like nails down a blackboard to me. I can’t explain it (although I seem to have had a good go trying above!) that’s just the way my cookie crumbles. To the point where I will sign off by saying this. Steven Seagal, the chances of me winning a hand-to-hand confrontation with you are so infinitely small I would struggle to find them using an electron microscope. But we Brits love nothing more than a fight we can’t win, so if our paths should ever miraculously cross, I will do my very best to knock you the fuck out. Yours Faithfully, The Assassin.
P.S. To my mother and father, who subscribed to this blog from Day One, my apologies for all the naughty words in this post. In my defence, it’s not my fault, it’s Steven Seagal’s. Let’s team up – together we can take him out!! x