Steven Seagal – International Douche.

Bear with me today readers, while I vent my spleen over one of those little things that produce an irrational amount of anger and hatred in us. Step forward Steven Seagal.

There are few things that really twist my shit, but by god, this man is one of them. I’m not talking about the ‘smelly drooling twat who always wants to talk to you on the train’ kind of annoying, or the ‘guy who just stole your parking space at the supermarket’ kind of annoying, or even the ‘finding out your best friend is the one who told all the girls at work you were gay’ kind of annoying. I’m talking about the OH-MY-FREAKING-GOD-ITS-LIKE-NAILS-DOWN-A-BLACKBOARD-I-WANT-TO-STAB-YOU-IN-THE-EYE-WITH-A-BIRO-AND-PISS-ON-YOUR-CORPSE kind of annoying.

If you Google Steven Seagal and click on any of the links, especially the articles where there are discussion boards, you will immediately see that I am not alone in being frustrated and irritated by this ridiculous fuckpuppet.  Simultaneously he is a martial artist, a film star, a dojo owner, a philanthropist, a guitarist and an ass-kicking deputy sheriff. In others words, greedy.

Must. Control. Homicidal. Urges.

One of the biggest challenges I face when I’m trying to convey to you here just how much I detest this guy is forming a coherent argument as to WHY I hate him so much. On the surface of things, every attribute listed above is, sadly, true.

Seagal is a 7th Dan Aikido master, and to those of you who don’t follow/understand martial arts this basically means that he’s one step below God in the toughness stakes. A veritable master of his discipline, at a level only achieved by impressing the hell out of other equally hard-as-nails mofo’s. He was the first westerner to gain permission to open an Aikido dojo (school) in Japan, and has both trained with, and been involved in the training of, some of the world’s top martial artists. He has been seen very recently involved in the training of UFC fighters Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida. He has starred in several worldwide movies and many other slightly successful films, and the martial arts he displays on-screen are the real deal, not some hollywood actor playing make-believe. He has been publicly involved in aiding several charities over the years, especially environmental and animal rights issues, and is an outspoken supporter of the Dalai Lama and the Tibetan independence movement. And whilst I simply cannot (no matter how hard I try) force myself to listen to him play guitar, reviews I’ve seen claim he’s nothing special, but at least is competent enough to be listenable. And his involvement with law enforcement in America has been widely publicised through his TV series Steven Seagal:Lawman.

So generally speaking the guy is a real honest-to-god modern day hero and all-round good guy. How could I possibly find myself thinking nasty thoughts about this man??? Simple. Read the title of the article you’ve clicked on. The guy is a douche.

Nobody on the face of this planet is that slick. Not even me. And I’m pretty damn slick, thank you very much. Call me a cynic (No, go on, you’re right) but would the fact that Seagal’s first wife was the daughter of one of Aikido’s foremost masters, and owner of one of Japan’s biggest dojo’s, have had anything to do with his miraculous welcome into the martial arts world?? And yes, ok, I can’t argue with his martial arts ability, but he did once slag off Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris, earning him an open challenge from a group of the world’s hardest men calling themselves the Dirty Dozen. He never accepted the challenge from any of them, and has NEVER competed in any tournament or competition scenario.

And the films. Yes, I can see why to teenage boys who still wet-dream about kicking the shit out of the bully at school in front of the girls his all-action tough guy movies appeal. I even watched one or two myself, and used to be quite fond of Under Seige. (Damn that sentence was hard to type. Kind of like how confession in church must feel, I imagine.) But looked at with the eyes of a rational human being as films, they more-or-less all suck. Big time. To illustrate my point, please enjoy this cut out and keep guide to Seagal’s acting talent >>>

The action may be real, but his films make excessive use of cut-away shots and repeated multi-angle camera tomfoolery, and he has a reputation on set of being needlessly harsh on stuntmen he works with, enjoying humiliating them and on several occasions injuring them. Also, not that Hollywood or Seagal seem to give a fuck, but I always understood that the basic principles of Aikido focus on the neutralising of an opponent using the least amount of force necessary. Doubtless Sensei Seagal has some explanation for how his on-screen persona’s reputation for neck breaking and arm-shattering fits into this philosophy….

Charities. Meh. What can I really say against that – fair play, he gives money to charity and raises awareness of important issues. Possibly to offset the guilt that he (allegedly) battered his wife. And yes, yes, Seagal fans, before you get your Lawman souvenir thongs in a twist I know he was never officially charged with the offence – presumably Kelly LeBrock also faked the pictures that appeared on the internet briefly afterwards (don’t bother looking readers, there are references by people who saw them but the images have long since been removed). And what a touching note that their third child was named Arissa after the family nanny who had been with them for years….presumably because Seagal was knocking her off on the side and later moved in with her and had another child with her. So go ahead and personally fight the Chinese for Tibet one by one Steven… you can’t buy a soul.

From the movie “Weird Science”

And Lawman? Don’t get me started. No, really don’t. I could make that a whole other blog. Except I won’t ever mention this jumped up egomaniac again. Ever. Love him or hate him (HATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIMHATEHIM) Seagal is one of those characters who divides people’s emotions. What really bothers me, however, is the way he’s portrayed to us as the next freakin’ Messiah. In England at the moment, 5US (one of our satellite channels bringing us the finest in American television – from three years ago) is running a series of Seagal films followed by episodes of Steven Seagal:Lawman. The tag phrase at the end of the advert shows a police badge with Seagal’s emotionless mug on bearing the slogan “In Seagal We Trust”. No. No, we do not. We, or at least I, do not trust this poker-faced charlatan as far as we can spit with our lips sewn together and a paper bag over our heads. He is not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy. Yet he revels in portraying himself as some kind of all-knowing cosmic guru with super-powers and a heart of gold.

Sometimes in life, it can be hard to rationalise how much some people just seem to bug the shit out of us. It might be your boss, your neighbour, your gran and her scary lady-beard. There’s no reasonable justification for why you feel this rage, you just do. Steven Seagal does this to me. The fact that he is still drawing breath is like nails down a blackboard to me. I can’t explain it (although I seem to have had a good go trying above!) that’s just the way my cookie crumbles. To the point where I will sign off by saying this. Steven Seagal, the chances of me winning a hand-to-hand confrontation with you are so infinitely small I would struggle to find them using an electron microscope. But we Brits love nothing more than a fight we can’t win, so if our paths should ever miraculously cross, I will do my very best to knock you the fuck out. Yours Faithfully, The Assassin.


P.S. To my mother and father, who subscribed to this blog from Day One, my apologies for all the naughty words in this post. In my defence, it’s not my fault, it’s Steven Seagal’s. Let’s team up – together we can take him out!! x

Just Die Already.

By socialassassin

40 comments on “Steven Seagal – International Douche.

  1. oh, I am SOOO feeing you on this one. I didn’t know anything about him except for that growing up, I remember thinking his acting was HORRIBLE and it ALWAYS annoyed me that 90% of his movies had three word titles: above the law…hard to kill….on deadly ground…..out for justice… down below…..WHY. What the fuck is WITH the three word titles? By the way, I had to google the movies because I had blocked out the titles. To me, whenever I see or hear of him I just think, “bleck: the three-word-title guy.”
    I love Kelly Labrock. Was she married to his gay ass?? That whole naming your kid after the nanny and then leaving the wife FOR the nanny? That is sick sick sick. How the hell do you explain THAT to the poor kid when she gets old enough to want to know, and take pride in, the origin of her name?
    He’s a pukey fuck and I hope you don’t mind if I plagiarize the whole “fuckpuppet” insult because…that was a good one. 😉


    • Steal away, the word fuckpuppet just seemed to fit him like a … well.. a fuckpuppet-glove. And the three word title thing? I never thought of it, but now you point it out it just makes me that tiny bit more annoyed with the dick. Nice to know I’m not alone in my Seagalist tendancies… 🙂 I’ve seen bits of styrofoam with more personality.


  2. Seriously can we tag team this asshole? I once dated an absolute knobhead of a guy who had a massive boner for Segal. It killed me. Every time I hear segals voice, see his face or hear anyone mention his name it takes me back to that bad bad time & I go into auto smash mode. This is when I break anything around me. Even babies & small animals.


    • Then for the sake of humanity and ickle fluffy animals in general, I suggest we begin to form some kind of vigilante justice system – between yourself, povertyanddeath and myself we’ve covered New Zealand, America and England – will anyone else join us in our epic crusade to flush this giant turd of a human down the flush-pan of life???? Applications on a postcard. Fuck yeah we could be like the Justice League – although I may have to get my mum to write me a letter excusing me from wearing tight lycra pants.


  3. I’m in. Segal’s a Douchebag fuckpuppet sterile pussy that fucked his way to the top of the martial arts world. LOSERRRRRRRRR.


  4. Impressive, Mr. A. A well-documented account that covers all the bases. Now… the ultimate debate… who’s more loathsome, Mr. Seagal or Mr. Van Damme..?

    Decisions, decisions… see you at work!


  5. Spam (and that is such genius, guess what your nickname at work just became), it’s not even a contest…. whilst VanDamme may be a large douche, Seagal is a king-size douche with extra douche curtains and a douche canopy. True, the beer commercials DO make me want to punch VanDamme, but Seagal just makes me want to hurt people (preferably him) with rusty barbed wire and blunt razor blades. Plus, Seagal plays a Stratocaster. What a tosser.


    • Drat. I was hoping for a massive face-off between them, Travolta/Cage style… *sinks slowly back into swamp*

      I knew there’d be a sting in the tail. I’m upset now. Slightly. You should see what turned up today, you’d love it!

      Now, if you could write a piece about Axl Rose..? =D


      • Vlad/Spam/Sam/DesperateStratLover………. my apologies that the response didn’t deliver the VanDamme/Seagal face-off you desired…it would have been somewhat one-sided since one of them is genuinely a 7th Dan Aikido master and one is genuinely a Dutch ballet dancer and professional cock-muncher. I’m intrigued by what turned up today that I’d love (was it an all clear result from the sexual health clinic???) but will immediately oblige you with an article about Axl Rose…. mediocre vocal talent responsible for less that 1/5th of the creative talent in G’n’R but 100% responsible for allowing his ego to tear the band apart…. although this was a good thing – have you HEARD Myles Kennedy from Alter Bridge covering GnR classics with Slash recently???? Axl WHO??? (Article Ends).


  6. Yes, indeed. One line you can use regarding Axl Rose- “sounds like a cat being put through a mangle” (Sam Carpenter ©2011). I have not heard those… but I must!

    And what turned up… well… let’s just say, it was owned by someone a little more famous than you or me. Who am I kidding… it’s Joe Walsh’s old guitar…


    • I loathe your smugness. I will, however, pander to you and make you bacon sandwiches at work, and sign over my soul (what tattered remnants remain) to you for a quick jam on that. You smug tosser.


  7. Assassin,

    In Above the Law, Steven Seagal played a character named Nico. Why do I know this? A dishwasher at a Mexican restaurant where I used to work really dug that movie. He and his girlfriend had a kid, a little boy. Name? Nico.

    I probably wouldn’t name my kid after a bad character in an equally bad martial arts movie, but then, I’m not familiar with up-to-date trailer park etiquette.


    • My wife works for our local council Roy, and amongst many other duties she takes the calls for the Registrar when people want to name their child. Judging by some of her stories, if Trailer Park Etiquette is at all similar to British Council Estate Parlance, appropriate names for offspring currently include Britney Beyonce Chardonnay or Passion Destiny Eclipse for girls, whilst the male child is rocking gems such as Tyler Arsenal Beckham and Bulldog Headbutt Ardbugger. Also, I’m unsure if this rule applies to your country, but in England any child named after Steven Seagal is allowed to lead a normal life until the age of sixteen, when they are hung drawn and quartered in a public square on a Sunday. We generally take a picnic and a few cold beers – it’s a great family day out 🙂

      Oh and Roy??………… Welcome back. We missed you.


    • 1) This is perfectly permissable mate, in this country you can name your child anything.
      2) His father would obviously be a man of deep and considered taste.
      3) It would also be fine if his dad wanted to change his name legally to Coconut Shit-pot…..just so ya know!! 🙂


    • Perhaps I should blog about my ex-husband’s name choice for his newest son with his latest wife. My ex has been smoking pot since he was 6 years old and smoking crack and shooting heroin since his teens. Yet, he saw nothing wrong, apparently, with naming his son BLAYZE LAYNE PETRIE. Wow. “come on, son, let’s take a walk down Blaze Lane.” Poor kid… I think he thought he was picking out his future UFC name but my friend AMber said, “UFC? It sounds more like a character from “The Bold and the Beautiful!” Ridge’s illegitimate son.”


      • Goodness, doesn’t he just sound a treat?? And what sterling parenting credentials his father shows … you should have pointed him RADventures way, that dude has invented a parenting system that revolves around drinking beer – now THAT is all kinds of awesome.
        And how wonderful that his other name is Petrie – not just saddled with Blayze but named after something used to grow bacteria !! 🙂

        FYI: My dad is a bit of a family historian, and I remember him telling me that our earliest discovered ancestor was called Blayze ….. in the year 1066.


  8. lol I read and reposted that Radventures blog entry to my fb. It was great. Yeah, the ex’s whole family used drugs with him. NICEEEEEE. Well, at least you can take consolation in the fact that there was no such thing as crack in 1066 so at least little Blayze wasn’t Blayzing down crack lane with papa blayze!


    • Wow such pure jealousy so basically by calling someone who earns a lot of money because he has multiple jobs a douche bag means you are just calling yourselves and every single person on this planet douchebags (babies and children under age of 4 excluded because they can’t work) I say get over your jealous habits and get over yourself all of you no need to have a campaign about one guy who has something you don’t, how about you actually try working or getting education for something rather then just lugging around at your mothers house and get a job or maybe get a better paying job by getting better education, just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you have to kill them oh and go ahead complain about this comment I don’t really care say all your little, petty non threatening words just proves your good for nothing, should be castrated and your seed not spread because people can’t voice their own opinions


      • So basically I am saying that just because someone is different doesn’t mean you have to degrade them, just use your common sense (if you have any )and.ignore them.


        • Kyle I’m British, and we’re known worldwide for our love of Irony. So let me break this comment down for you.

          Just because someone is different [your opinion of Seagal and mine are obviously different} doesn’t mean you have to degrade them [I’m fairly sure your suggestion in your previous comment that I should be castrated to prevent my seed spreading could be construed as being degrading, as well as downright insulting and inflammatory] just use your common sense if you have any [another degradation in that comment there Kyle!] and ignore them [advice you have so spectacularly failed to take yourself!]

          The internet connects billions of people every day, so you’re bound to come across someone else whose views irritate the hell out of you Kyle – I’ve experienced it myself. But if you can’t form a logical argument against them, don’t stoop to the level of being insulting and inflammatory, then post a second comment that shoots down your own argument.


      • Far from complain about your comment Kyle, I always welcome correspondence from people who disagree with my point of view – if I were to pick and choose what responses made it onto the site I’d have a very poor ground on which to base any rational discussion of what I choose to write. However I feel I should respond to a few things you’ve mentioned here.
        1. My dislike of Seagal has nothing to do with money. Nor do my comments mean I am referring to every other person as a douchebag – because not every other person is a wife-beating arrogant bully who is a poor representative for the martial art he purportedly represents.
        2. Children under 4 are excluded because they can’t work??? Do they put five year olds to work where you are??
        3. There is no jealousy here. Jealousy implies that I want to be Seagal or have the things he owns – and trust me, I want none of it.
        4. I am educated to degree level and beyond, and have qualifications from Cambridge University. I hold nine vocational-related qualifications in my field of work, and normally put in between 60 and 80 hours a week at my job. I am unlikely to be found lugging around my mother’s house due to owning a house of my own, that I bought with the money I’ve earnt at work, to house and protect my family who will want for nothing as long as I can draw breath.
        5. Whilst your reponse is welcome, it doesn’t really say WHY you think I should change my mind about him. If you want to post again with a reasonable argument that supports your hypothesis, I am more than willing to discuss it with you.


  9. Kyle said: “So basically I am saying that just because someone is different doesn’t mean you have to degrade them, just use your common sense (if you have any )and.ignore them.”

    Sound advice, my man. It’s a shame you didn’t regard it yourself.


    • Lawrence, you are obviously a man of exceptional taste. Welcome to the Revolution, comrade! Maintain position, I’ll pass your details to our Ninja Death Squad Co-Ordinator … 😉


    • Thank you for your kind and well thought out reply Nathan. Yes, there is every chance that were any of us ever to fight Seagal he would reduce us to the appearance of minced beef. However, that does not change the fact that he is a sexist, mysogynistic, violent asshat who beats on women, cheats on his wife, bullies co-workers and has never demonstarted his martial arts abilities in the ring. The man is an absolute fucking clown, and I wish him bowel cancer at the earliest opportunity. And for the record, since you have struck the first blow by referring to me as a douche, may I point out that your sentance reads like it was written by an illiterate five year old. If you want to start an argument with someone, I suggest you learn to read and write first.


  10. I agree 100%, however….Steven Segal never owned a Dojo in Japan, his wife’s family owned it. He also claims to have studied with the founder and master of Aikido, Morihei Uyeshiba who died in 1969. According to enrollment records Segal attended Fullerton College from the fall of 1970 to the fall of 1971 when he dropped out. Furthermore, Terry Dobson, a fifth-degree black belt who studied with the master from 1961 to 1969. He said ” I never heard of Steven Seagal. That story is bull.” And who cares if he donates to charity, I’m sure he does so because of the guilt he feels……I mean c’mon. The man has 6 children and pays very little child support to any of the mothers. His first wife Miyako says that their children don’t recall him as a father at all. He abandoned his family in Japan for Hollywood. It’s also common knowledge that Segal likes to embellish his stories. In my opinion, Segal is a sad, sorry excuse of a man who talks a lot of bs that never happened. Takes credit for things he’s never done. And keeps popping out children with different women that he doesn’t support. He’s just another egomaniac male with a huge case of little many syndrome. All I can say is “Dude, sorry about your dick!” In this country where so many have so little, to be given all the opportunity he has, just to turn out to be a wanna be is very sad indeed


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